Anonymously, censor me,

So, I called Verastic's show last week. The topic was ‘anonymous bloggers’ The pros and cons of it (or something like that)

I thought about the implications of me not being anonymous, though I blog under a pseudonym, most people that know me, will know that that is me.

Also, I send people to my blog, like, if they ask me these ‘getting you know you’ kinda questions, I always say, here’s my blog, go read it.

Also, I loathe the idea of keeping a secret blog, where only a select few will know I write or know the url. I made the conscious decision to keep an online diary; I fully understood what that meant. And, I like to read what people have to say, differing opinions are always welcomed.

In the past year, I have had to amend three posts. The first two were because I thought about what I had written and I felt so exposed, like my emotions were out there for all to see, actually the feeling was akin to being naked! And, I was not comfortable with that if I am not comfortable, I take it down. The third one, well, I think I might have been a little ‘unready’ to put it up when I did, but I've saved it. I think it’s something I’d want to read about in year, to know what I was thinking and feeling and where my head was at. That is why I blog after all.

Once, my boy’s ex read my blog and something that I had written innocently, a throwaway comment almost, caused her pain. Caused her to think things that were not there because of how she chose to understand me, and her history with my boy. I felt bad, but I was not sorry. I did not write anything about her, nor did I comment on their relationship. I tried to help her see were I was coming from but that did not go down too well. So in the end, I have to decide what is important.

I know that the downside of being so open is that people may read the blog and use the information in a way that I am not cool with but the opportunity to write what I want about my own life, emotions et al, far outweigh that fear.

I won’t resort to blogging anonymously but I will take other people’s privacy into consideration. Ultimately, this is my space, my own arena, somewhere I possess a modicum of freedom. I won’t give that up.

I have two songs of the moment, one’s an oldie, and the other is a remix . Firstly, we have ‘Fu-Gee-La’ by the Fugess. There’s something about the way Luaryn sings the chorus that has been getting to me these days, that ‘Ooh la la la lalala sweeet thing’ I love it!

The second is ‘Trust Issues (remix)’ by The Weekend. This songs bangs, the original is by Drake and as usual, dude is on his love/like kinda tip. This remix is more about bravado, from the protagonist and his object of lust, that is so in my zone right now. So, yeah, check it out!

That's me for this this entry, stay blessed all. x. Peace.

Me Being, Distracted. (1. The Gadget Edition)

Me Being, Distracted. (1. The Gadget Edition)

So, I love gadgets. I might have mentioned that before but I really love gadgets. So, in the spirit of my love, here is a breakdown.

I am mainly an audiophile; I am on an incessant quest for a device that can deliver damn near perfect audio. I have speakers, headphones, earphones because of this singular mission. Currently, I’ve got beautiful cherry wood speakers with great drivers (really, the sound that these bad boys out put is just great and to think they are about 6 years old), I have a blue tooth speaker, the sound from that is not so impressive but the technology is in the incipient stages, so I cannot complain, plus it’s mad convenient. Lastly, I’ve got a baby wireless speaker, the sound is great, the price was even better, I’d recommend it.

Now, to my passion, my babies, my joys… (Yes, I am slightly nutty but I think you all know that by now) My headphones! I’ve got 5 headphones at the moment; they are all black, all pretty. These are my two favourites, Marshall Majors, bought for me by one of my favourite women  and these Bowers & Wilkins P5s, (That I call Marshall& Kora, yes, I name my gadgets! I may introduce you to the rest of my headphones by name, should the mood take me, I’m sure you’re excited!) bought by yours truly. They both sound great but different. I prefer the Marshalls because they are not as ostentatious as the P5s but I had to have the P5s, I’m a music head and game recognise game.

I knew I wanted to wanted to buy a phone, I had grown quite tired of the Blackberry Bold and its wack OS, its small ass screen and general shittiness. So, I did mad research for a phone that I could use as a personal media player (pmp) as well as having the functionalities that I was looking for from a phone. I decided on the Samsung Galaxy S II. Goodness, the phone is the business, as a pmp, it functions beautifully, the picture quality is great, the Android OS is much better than the shitty ass BB OS, the only reason I still hold the BB is to speak to Naija people. Anyway, I dig my phone, and I didn’t want an Iphone, its ubiquity and Apple’s general paranoia about content put me right off. I wanna do as I please with content that I have purchased or placed on my phone, Apple does not want to allow that, so it can bugger right off when it comes to phones. I’d recommend the SG SII any day. Really, it’s a great piece of kit. I call her Sadé.

Finally, I caught the bug! My boy has been on about the wonders of this thing for years and I’ve just basically aired him. But I succumbed; my senses were overwhelmed with the beauty of the thing. So, when it came time for me to upgrade my laptop, I thought long and hard, did mad research and decided to get a……. *sigh* MAC! I have no opinions on it yet as I’ve just bought it, I’ll give it about a week to see if we’re compatible. I wanted a strong masculine name for him, so I asked around, E.Q. suggested Nkém, and that’s what he’s called.

These are the things that give me comfort right now, I'd put up a photo of E.Q. but she's not a gadget... She's been good to me.

I have two songs of the moment, I like both for different reasons. This one, 'Stimela' by Hugh Masekela speaks to my soul, so I choose to share it with you. My boy Mac put me on to this particular song, dude has the best taste in music, really. I wait for him to discover something and then share, I almost always dig whatever he recommends. So here, this is a masterpiece and I'm sure it is well known to most folks but I'm a Johnny-come-lately. :-)

I bid you peace.

Final Quarter. (Static)

So, I've been wanting to write for a minute now. Been constructing paragraphs in my head for about a week now. But, as I've doing since I started this blogging thing, I'll write from my head or heart, wherever the words choose to emanate.

The point has been made. :-)

My song of the moment: 'Can't Do Better' by Jojo. She went hard on that track!

The VIIth

So, it was yours truly’s birthday on the 7th! I’m a year older, I’m not so sure if I’ve gotten any wiser though.I was going to write a long reflective post but I think that is unnecessary considering I've kept a diary of sorts on this blog.

The first thing most people asked me was ‘how does it feel to be a year older’ Dumb ass question. Like a new feeling will suddenly descend as soon as the clock hits 12. I feel the same now as I did before my birthday, the one difference, I will say though, is the thought that I need to own something. I.e. a house, car, business (okay, I have this but it’s not very exciting) or some land. The latter is the most attractive proposition of all. So, overtime and weekends at work is me for a while.

Now, I’d be the first to tell anyone willing to listen that I am super boring. I talk a good game but ultimately, I am not the party starting or life of the party (once it’s started) kinda chic…. No! Left to me, I’d spend most birthdays in my underwear, eating plantain crisps and watching war films. But, luckily, I have friends, people around me who are determined to save me from my own tedium.  . So, on Sunday, the boys took me to see Asa! She was great, she sounds just like she does on wax. She engaged with the audience, in her French accented English and she laughed a lot. I had a good time.

My birthday was on Tuesday. Not a very sexy day for birthdays but still, heaven be praised, I’m another year in. A friend of mine took me out! It was way more than I expected. I got some flowers, a book and a fancy Italian lunch, it was great. Then we went to see ‘Pirates of The Caribbean’ (Johnny Depp is a weak spot for me, I admire dude’s dexterity and the fact that he does not take himself too seriously, to top it off, he is rather easy on the eye) So, that was my birthday, in sum!

Oh, one gripe I have. My siblings are the worst!!! They remind me, very often, that being the eldest comes with certain responsibilities but between all four of them, not one card did I receive. To top it off, my sister calls me on Wednesday like, ‘Sis, there’s no food at home can you buy us some takeaway’…. Of course, I’m a sucker, so... Then she calls me today (Friday) like, ‘my friend has booked some tables for her birthday, she can’t afford the deposit, can you give me thirty pounds?’ See the thing about my sisters is that they all know I find it almost impossible to say ‘no’ to them and I am baffled as to why that is the case. Anyways, I gave her the dough but I am going to have a talk to her about being responsible and considerate. They are all grown now and I’m thinking I need to teach them some lessons. It’ll be hard but I have to make myself, otherwise, they’d never learn.

I bought myself some presents… Yay! A pair of Converses (because I prefer them to trainers), a Samsung Galaxy S II phone (I intend to blog on this later, I am so in love right now I can’t think straight. It’s a great purchase and it came at the right time) and ten driving lessons. No, I can’t drive; it’s rather embarrassing at this point. I’ll admit, though, that I do not intend to get a car, I just need to acquire the skill. So, I had my first lesson on Wednesday, it was so boring, really. I hope I don’t have to suffer that for ten weeks, or else my plan to learn will be swiftly aborted.
I’m meeting up with the Co-D (or is that the ex Co-D) on Saturday. I’d be excited if I wasn’t so nervous. I wrote about our break up and the one and only time we’d met up since here. The deep freeze between us has been thawing and I miss her wit. She’s the one person in my life who can tell me about myself, in ways that jolts me into action. Johnny is much too nice, E-Mac is very tentative about these things, and the only other person who could maybe do it (but would never) is P but my relationship with her is very different to that I have with my other friends. So, yeah, back to E.Q. I’m seeing her and we’re gonna hang out at some fancy spot that she has chosen.

I’m typing this at my desk. I have met my objectives for the day, I must say that I am not particularly keen on this office, it is cold and most of my colleagues are close in age to my pops.

I’m off now, I gotta go to my girl Tinu’s goodbye party. I am going to miss her so much. She is off to Naija. The upside is that when I’m in Gidi, there is somewhere for me to stay and someone cool for to hang with!

Below is my song of the moment. It’s ‘Let Me Know’ by Collie Buddz. (One white boy that could get it and then some!)

An hour

I'm slightly high right now, off nicotine. That happens to me sometimes. I smoke, not heavily though. Sometimes when I inhale, I get light-headed and my eyes narrow, it's akin to a cannabis induced expression, or I've heard. :-)

The new job is, erm, well, interesting. I'm flying all the way solo. My manager is working in another city, so, it's me and the team. I'm slightly scared training new people, they sorta expect you to know everything. I'm pretty confident with what I know, vis-a-vis work, it's the expectations that jar me a little bit but hey, I wanted the challenge, so here it goes.

I went to watch rugby with my boy, Johnny. It was a very odd experience. Dude is into all sorts of sports, I was distracted, the men wear teeny tiny underwear like shorts but that was not the cause of my distraction. It was far too cold for me to enjoy this outdoor sport, I wanted to be at home! But, dude comes to my things, so I guess, I felt like I had to do it. Still, getting to hang with him is always good, keeps my brain fresh.

So, as a little treat to myself, I was working on this little piece. It's called an hour. If you read it tell me what you think.
An hour.

Tonight, my door bell rang. I was in the middle of watching 'The Good Wife' or fantasising, I cannot quite remember which. Anyway, I was pulled outta my reverie, walked to the door bare footed. I opened the door in a hurry, blinking, rapidly. Err, I wasn't expecting you. Hands in your coat pockets, a half smile on your face. I was tempted to ask you, in the manner in which I felt it 'What do you want'. Instead, I steadied my gaze, ready for the words I knew were coming. 'I'm sorry' you said, 'forgive me'. I stepped aside to let you in. You were too late, yesterday, I cared.

See, I had woken up, picked a shirt I thought you'd like, we're doing lunch, going to a quiet little side cafe, we were gonna talk, or maybe I would have shown you the little Chinese guy who makes little sculptures from grass blades, I dunno. There's a canal close to my office, we would have walked past it, there are trees too, tall thick trees that conceal all kinds of things, hmmn, this is the point where I'd get hastily rewarded for my patience.

For an afternoon, maybe an hour, we'd forget that it's been a long month. I hate walking in heels but I 'd slow down, the time has to last longer than this. In my head I expected too much, way too much. But I'll fill you in. Back to my little apartment, where you tell me again that you're sorry. Now it's my turn for the half smile, 'I know, I know you are' but an hour would have made all the difference.

I wake up, to the sound of my door buzzer going off, I'm pretty sure it's about to be dejavu.

I'm off to bed, it has been a long day. Stay blessed.

Missed opportunities?

I'm getting really prolific these days. :-).

I need some therapy!!! Not the sit in chair and tell me what's wrong kind, no. I need to do something I haven't done in a while, something that makes me grin from ear to ear. It's been a minute since I have had that kinda fun.

I'm confused, seriously. I had an interview, two weeks ago, prior to leaving my old job for this new one. The opportunity seemed so exciting, working in a different city, meeting people I would not ordinarily hang with, you know? Anyways, I left my job, got a new one (little clue, it's with one of the big four auditing firms) and I forgot about the interview. Today, what do you know, I got a call! Like, hey, we'd like to offer you the job!

I could not even be happy about it. I don't like being confused. On the face of it, the offer is cool, the job pays well but so does my current one. I have no idea what to do. I need to talk to someone about it. I am terrified that I'll make the wrong decision. It can't be solely about money, other things have to be weighed up.

I think I'll make a 'pros & cons' list. I need to see my thoughts and reasons on paper.

It's funny how things work, eh? Two years ago, I couldn't pay for a job, now.... Hmmn, I guess I gotta remember to be thankful.

I don't feel so good today and I know I won't for a long time. But after that, I'll be better, much.

Stay well.


Four day break

Hey! I'm feeling a little prolific these days. :-).

I've spent the whole day reading, can't complain though, it's been a while since I've done that. I like to read book
s about people of African ancestry, the whole thing intrigues, I look for evidence of their origin and other mushy things. Anyways, I recommend the below, it was a fantastic read. When I get a book that I love, I'd read it in about day, which is really annoying because I'd like to make it last. Oh well.

The book that I'm reading right now is:

I don't know what I think about it yet, it's slow but I like the imagery that the writer has employed. We'll see.

Oh, before I leave, I recorded a little piece that I have been working on. It's raw but listen and tell me whatchu think.

Stay well,

Nu gig, some old skool love ish.

(I saw the above online, just one of my lazy surf sessions. Suffice it to say, it became my wallpaper, I thought I'd share, it seems strangely apt)

I just wanted to write a short piece, the muse has been with me for a minute. So, I left my job..... Arggggh! Okay, that situation is not a big deal, I got something a better. I am actually proud of myself where this decision is concerned.. I have a tendency to get comfortable, I saw that creeping up this time and I wanted to knock it on the head. It's a progressive move, your girl's doing some things :-)

Okay, this is what I really wanted to riff on, I don't know how people of my moms' generation love. I'm tryna say, I do not know what it means to them, I do however suspect that it is neutered by culture, especially on the woman's part. I dunno that this is true for all parents but watching mine, it is hard for me to see how they could have ever loved each other yet it is obvious to me that must have at some point. That sounds like a contradiction, abi. But to see my pops talking about my mother, I know that dude must have dug that woman at some point, he gets that look in his eyes and a small smile plays about his lips, sorta like he's been transported into a scene that I'll never fully understand. But as as quickly as the look appears, it goes.

They have zero in common, both of them. Yet, they were for some reason successful in repressing their other needs and wants, I mean, they must have been to some extent, they've 5 children. Anyways, pops announced to me last week that he was ready to bail. My moms was heart broken as it is to be expected, after thirty years. After reflecting on it though, I am not sure that the pain emanates from his impending departure, I think there is also an eleement of shame involved. I dunno how to feel about that, her shame that HE is leaving. It's really rather strange and I am trying not to look at this with 'oyibo eyes' as I have been often accused.

There are a lotta things that are going through my head where they are both concerned, most of which I cannot say because it is, as they'd say, 'too big for my mouth'

So, I felt pretty lonely, all these conflicting emotions swirling around in my head, had to keep strong though, first daughter flex. :-)

I've been kept amused by a new friend of sort, she makes me laugh, she listens, I've sorta missed that, talking to someone about nothing in particular and know that you have that person's attention. We had a long debate last night on marriage and the Nigerian woman, hmmn her views deserve a post. Bush girl.

The soundtrack to this post Duncan Mighty 'I don't give a shot' Big tune! Reminds me of my recent trip to Naija.

Sure Thing

'If you stamped harder, I'd cry only within the confines of my heart, yet it hurts, it hurt me deep'. I don't remember who said this but I heard it a long time ago.

As promised.

So, we talked, Tv and I that is. It was an interesting meeting and conversation.

So back to the matter at hand. I did some extreme self analysis last night. If this is it, I gotta make sure whatever I did that has got me feeling like this I do not do again. I thought about some of the things that I could have said but I felt the time was not right to say, I think a large part of how I function is being in control of my own emotions, I have always been that way, I do not see it changing in the near future.

This week has been terrible, I hope I do not have another like it ever again.

This was my attempt at auto-therapy. I just checked this little play count thingie, I've played this song 120 time today, that's slightly nuts

A Teaser...

Hey lovely folks. I'm here, still blogging. The silence will be explained in a few days. I made an audio blog, listen below (if you have six minute to listen to my ramblings). It's a little teaser into something I may go into more details about, depending on how my muse and emotions get along.

Who else has been checking out the art work on Swiss Beats's site. It's currr-ray-zee! I love artistic people, so I'm harboring a huge crush on dude right now. He likes Jean Michel Basquiat! Dude was my introduction to art, art that I could look at and understand, at least in my own 'non arty' kinda way. I saw this the other day, it made me smile (I'm crazy patriotic, anything to do with Naija that non Naija people dig, makes me so happy. It's some kinda silly validation, not that we need it but hey, positives are not so forthcoming when Naija is the topic.)

This is all I have to say for the mo! Listen to the post if you missed me or something. :-)

Be well.


Johnny Mac, the last weekend.

The last week ended on a good note, despite Grandpa’s passing. My mother is surprisingly calm about it, she says dude died peacefully, I guess that makes all the difference considering how old he was. I am still a little bothered by certain things but my pain is once remove d and if moms says it’s okay, I gotta try to see it like that.

Now, I had a nice weekend, I intend to put up some pictures, it’s been a while… I made up with P! That is a wonderful thing, really. I do not know why I was so nervous, she and I are kindred spirits, we’ll be on the same wavelength for life that much I am sure of. She came over, we talked, filled in gaps and I just revelled in her presence, being able to just talk to someone without censoring myself in anyway was a lotta fun. I had forgotten just how much. I told her about TV, she has a bunch of advice for me, none of which I am gonna follow, not because it is bad advice but because I am hard headed. 

Prior to P coming over, I spent the earlier part of Friday evening with Kaya, (I might have mentioned her before, we went to Morocco together). She is the most chilled out person I know, nothing gets to her. We were out in Morocco, the chick got mad marriage proposals, by old, young, sexy, not so sexy men and she remained so unaffected by it. I was hoping we could parlay all the attention into some freebies but she wasn’t having it. We even ran into a very well endowed carpet salesman (how did I know he was well endowed, I hear you ask, well you have to have seen what he was wearing and how it hugged him in all the best places.) and he offered to have us over at his house so we could hang out in his pool, I was almost tempted, I swear. Anyway, Kaya is my home girl, we caught up, we hadn’t seen each other since the trip and she has not changed a bit, that’s perfectly fine with me.

On Saturday the boys showed up, it was a good time with them as it always is. I love my boys, they are so different yet I have just as much in common with each one. Mac and I like the same kinda, erm how does one put this, popular culture. We are both big hip-hop heads, and he keeps up to date with things I want to know. He is very much my chill out boy, we are very cool like that, and I love how when we talk, I can see the change in who he was when I met him and who he is now. He is definitely the coolest dude I know. Johnny is cerebral, he is feeds my brain, dude is incredibly prescient on all matters political. He is a writer, a thinker, a soon to be lover (of a deserving woman) and just a generally good brother. We also share love for the film, architecture and art, the ‘bourgie’ things, as my sister would say. They met TV, they were impressed….

Mac, Johnny.

My home girl Kaya

It was my favourite weekend for a while. My football team was hot, two come from behind wins! You can’t beat that.

I gotta dash. This was rather therapeutic.

Be good, peace.

My mother's father.

So, my grandpa died. I'm really rather heart broken about it. Not just because he was a cool cat but my moms is just so distraught. I don't do well comforting people who are grieving. She's his only child and was particularly close to him. I have no idea of what to say or do. I'm consumed by my own grief that seems to be refreshed when I think of how she must feel. I got the call at work about three hours ago. The pain of a grandchild is different to that of a child but love is love and the pain in my heart is acute.

He was really old though, 96, I think and dude had all his teeth and pretty good eye sight. He looked almost oriental and I am told I look just like him. He was a gentleman, not in the way everyone is nice when they die because we're too respectful to tell the truth about how they really were, no, he really was. I was over indulged by my mother's parents. They called me Morenikeji (which mean, literally, I found a companion) which in may ways was what I was to them, when they saw me, which was not very often. I'd sit in with my grandpa and watch him watch people go by. He hummed ( a habit that I strangely picked up) all the time, spoke not too often. But dude loved me for real. Like, in a palpable way, as children, we do not recognise these things but when I look back, I can see it so very clearly. I won't be there for his funeral, he died earlier today, he was a Muslim which means they might have buried him by now. But I feel so sad for moms, she spoke of her father so lovingly. I have just one grand parent left now. I don't even want to think about how she feels. They were together for 50+ years. It's crazy.

This is a ramble, I know. I wrote it to feel better. I dunno that I have a right to feel the way I do. I was so far from the perfect grandchild.

Today has been a weird day. Started off on a low, then a I got the best high and now this. I will go into the high another time, it does not seem appropriate to write about it right now.

God bless the departed.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

The Pipeline

Last night, I received my quarterly phone call from my uncle. He has this rather odd habit that I cannot understand, or is it that I just choose not to. Anyway, dude called me up, as he does, and says, so you cannot call me abi? My brain does the tick tock-ing thing it does when someone suggests something I find rather preposterous. I will not call any of my aunts or uncles, unless, heaven forbid, an emergency should occur. So, I gracefully apologised, ‘uncle, ko ri be, mo wa very busy ni’ (it’s not like that, I was just very busy) He proceeds to lecture me on the importance of keeping family close. Then he gets to the crux of the phone call, ‘So, is there anything in the pipeline’? I stammer for a minute and I say, er Uncle no, like I said, I have been very busy. Now, my stammer was not brought on by shock, no. The last time I answered ‘no’ to that question, my darling uncle embarked on a search that produced three useless candidates.

The pipeline is the place or perhaps a situation that’ll usher all young eligible bachelors in my direction, while my uncle and father sit on thrones and tick off the potential suitors’ virtue. I am tired of the damned pipeline. My father, bless him, has only enquired about such matters twice, but he and my uncle are 5&6 and I know if uncle asks, pops knows about it.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before, you’d know that I am not particularly keen on marriage but as my mother says, ‘all these geles that I have bought for other people’s children, those people must also buy and tie gele because of you o’ this sentiment has caused me to reconsider my stoic stance on the old union. Mind you, they have five children, they do not have to wait on me but the poor woman has got her heart set on next year, which would be the last ‘respectable year’ for me to ‘tie a man down’. When expressed in those words, the whole thing sounds so exciting (!). The images that those words conjure up in my mind, some poor dude, tied down to the bed like a goat, bleating for food and whining for sex, yup, very exciting.

My cousin Q has not helped my case, Mr. Playa-for-life has only gone and proposed to his girlfriend! He was my partner in crime, the one who nodded in agreement at all the family gathering anytime I offered my opinion on marriage.

Such is their desperation for me to get married, that when my cousin Sunny was christening his child (a bit of background, Sunny is my uncle’s first son. He has two baby mothers, both Jamaican, both slightly mentally unbalanced, so you can imagine what a joy he is to my uncle) Johnny accompanied me, as I did not want to go alone. My uncle, upon seeing me with this big guy, comes over and says, ‘so this is you, abi? Let me tell you, we are holding o’ instead of the mumu boy to be quiet, he says ‘ki l’en hold sa’? (what are you holding, sir) uncle then proceeds to life up his buba to show Johnny gun fingers over the draw strings of his trousers and proclaims, ‘so, if you’re thinking of misbehaving, we will deal with you’. Now, I had not even introduced poor Johnny to them, but I guess he was just excited to see a potential husband. The idea that dude is just my best friend is just part of my ‘Oyibo nonsense’

Being happy and single is an oxymoron to my folks, how can you possible be ‘happy’ when you don’t have a man? When moms says this, she means it like so, ‘every woman needs a man. Abi, someone told you it’s only men that need woman, ehn’ in other words, I need to be getting laid on the regular! Imagine moms giving me her tacit permission to be myself, wow! If only I could clue her into the things I helped myself to….

So, the pipe line is dry right now, I do not have any potentials (some of you might be thinking, what about TV? Well, I don’t see that happening. )

A change in career is necessary now, my job is beyond mind numbing. I had a chance to move to something far more interesting internally, I passed it up, I guess I was under the impression that I like this job  now, I’m feeling it. I dunno what to do, bills must be paid, so…..

I gotta jet now, hope all is well with you and yours.


Recommend something to me please, music that is. I'm a little low on new music.