Marriage and me?

Sundays have this rather odd effect on me, I always end up in this weird reflective mood, this Sunday is no different. Anyway, Manchester United lost a match today, I am working on weaning myself off football. So, I am back to banking, in fact, I am back at the bank that I worked at before. This is not good. Let me, be honest, I am glad to be making so money, but this can't be it, surely?

So, enough about that. My cousin's wedding got me thinking about what marriage means and if I see myself in such an institution. I have never been able to picture myself in that space, being married with 2.4 children. The idea appeals to me though, I want to make my mother (especially) happy and I know she dreams of a life for us that she was not able to live. But, am I willing to commit to something so life altering because I want her to be proud? I am not so sure now. I want to be happy, I want to travel, without being encumbered by family ties and societal expectations. If the right guy comes along and I fall madly in love with him, and I find myself in that space,then I will do it. I just know that being married is not on the list of things to tick off before I turn thirty. As a Nigerian female, I know what the expectations are and I do wonder sometimes if I will be brave enough to do what suits me. I am pretty convinced (I did a lot soul searching on this) that a marriage is supposed to be about the two people in it, if one goes into it tryna make other people happy, the whole thing is already doomed.

When I was younger, I used to think it was because I was afraid I would not be able to submit to anyone (that is still the truth) but now I know it is because I am yet to see an example of a marriage that makes me want to get married. I do not like the arrangement between most of the couple I have seen. Of course, each couple have to find their own groove and my idea of a an equitable union is not other people's, this much I know but, when most of examples are Nigerian and the woman is expected to, how do I put it, understand that certain things are inevitable, it makes me feel funny. Of course, I salute these women and their never ending endurance but I do not see myself being able to do the same. Is it the curse of my Western upbringing? Because so many people would lead us to believe that Nigerian couples rarely break up and this why our children are better behaved than European children. I do no agree with that line of thought. I remember what was expected of me as a child in Nigeria and I would never put my child(ren) through some of it. With that said, I would ideally like to raise my child in a two parent home, but hey, if I end up as a lone parent, I'll be fine. My aunt who raised me (She is the most formidable woman I know) is a single parent, she did it with love, she has the kind of strength that only makes sense to me now, if I can acquire a modicum of that at some point in my life, I will be a happy bunny. Oh, there is also this other idea that no one really is a single parent in Naija, I guess there is some truth in this. We had my uncle living with us and my paternal grand mother also lived about ten minutes away, and there were lots of relatives ready to correct us here and there, (Lagos Island is a really small place). So, I guess the proverbial village did raise me...

I have to be at work rather early tomorrow, there are tons of contracts I have to read, (this is what I do for a living, in a nutshell. Of course they make it sound fancy but hey).
I am currently listening to 'The Joshua Tree' by U2


Nice Anon said...

When the time comes you'll find someone that works for you. Whose train of thought is similar to yours

kay9 said...

You know, Z-7, i used to think like you. Granted, i'm a guy, but i so detested the idea that i'd have to shackle myself to some lady at some point in life, and go around with her round my neck the rest of my, well, forever. But sometime 2 months ago, i got the living thingamacallum scared outta me: I WAS IN LOVE!! And the best part, she loved me first! Me the ingrate, me the play-boy, me that never calls back until it suits me. I was so so humbled.

Right now, i guess its just a matter of time before i get "shackled" after all - and i'd do it ecstatically!

@Ada-bekee: e be like i just dey trail u around blogsville; Secondus again!

histreasure said...

i co-sign the comments above..and i heart Kay9's words..My parents have a wonderful relationship,indeed my dad worships the ground his wife works on,i'd always been envious of it but when i started dating,it was the usual boy meets girl,toast girl,pesters her for months and then she finally agrees kinda thing..

a few years back,i met a guy,the attraction was strong,we both denied it..and then it became too obvious,stil he fought it and so did i..

long and short of the story,restless me finally found my heart home and girl,it's been bliss..

so calm ur heart,there are plenty Naija men who believe in the sanctity of marriage and love their wives enough to give it their all..

And there's such a man for you

Myne Whitman said...

I guess K9 has said it all. When you find the right person it will become clearer.

One last thing, go back to that earlier mindset, it all about you and the SO. Quit looking and being depressed by other people's marriages...

akaBagucci said...

time.. resolves a lot of these thoughts.... and provides some clarity.....

~Sirius~ said...

I was at your school of thought,

Until I found out that marrying the right person won't change my travel plans around the world, in fact, it's about to become more fun!

No family wahala........It's us against the world.

So.....with time you realize the right partner makes everything better, and submission won't even feel like submission, Trust me.

I'm not married yet......but.

L-VII said...

Thank you all for you kind and encouraging comments. I am tryna help myself make sense of the whole, it is, as they say, a work in progress.


You give me hope.


Original Mgbeke said...

So your bank called you back and offered you the job or you re-applied?
Interesting post. At this point, I'm definitely not thinking about marriage or thinking that it's something that needs to happen to 'complete' me, I have a bunch of other things on my plate. I hope to meet the right person someday but till then I'm enjoying life as I see it now. :-)

L-VII said...

@O.G. Mgbeke; they called and in my need for liquidity, I answered.