My mother's father.

So, my grandpa died. I'm really rather heart broken about it. Not just because he was a cool cat but my moms is just so distraught. I don't do well comforting people who are grieving. She's his only child and was particularly close to him. I have no idea of what to say or do. I'm consumed by my own grief that seems to be refreshed when I think of how she must feel. I got the call at work about three hours ago. The pain of a grandchild is different to that of a child but love is love and the pain in my heart is acute.

He was really old though, 96, I think and dude had all his teeth and pretty good eye sight. He looked almost oriental and I am told I look just like him. He was a gentleman, not in the way everyone is nice when they die because we're too respectful to tell the truth about how they really were, no, he really was. I was over indulged by my mother's parents. They called me Morenikeji (which mean, literally, I found a companion) which in may ways was what I was to them, when they saw me, which was not very often. I'd sit in with my grandpa and watch him watch people go by. He hummed ( a habit that I strangely picked up) all the time, spoke not too often. But dude loved me for real. Like, in a palpable way, as children, we do not recognise these things but when I look back, I can see it so very clearly. I won't be there for his funeral, he died earlier today, he was a Muslim which means they might have buried him by now. But I feel so sad for moms, she spoke of her father so lovingly. I have just one grand parent left now. I don't even want to think about how she feels. They were together for 50+ years. It's crazy.

This is a ramble, I know. I wrote it to feel better. I dunno that I have a right to feel the way I do. I was so far from the perfect grandchild.

Today has been a weird day. Started off on a low, then a I got the best high and now this. I will go into the high another time, it does not seem appropriate to write about it right now.

God bless the departed.
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The Pipeline

Last night, I received my quarterly phone call from my uncle. He has this rather odd habit that I cannot understand, or is it that I just choose not to. Anyway, dude called me up, as he does, and says, so you cannot call me abi? My brain does the tick tock-ing thing it does when someone suggests something I find rather preposterous. I will not call any of my aunts or uncles, unless, heaven forbid, an emergency should occur. So, I gracefully apologised, ‘uncle, ko ri be, mo wa very busy ni’ (it’s not like that, I was just very busy) He proceeds to lecture me on the importance of keeping family close. Then he gets to the crux of the phone call, ‘So, is there anything in the pipeline’? I stammer for a minute and I say, er Uncle no, like I said, I have been very busy. Now, my stammer was not brought on by shock, no. The last time I answered ‘no’ to that question, my darling uncle embarked on a search that produced three useless candidates.

The pipeline is the place or perhaps a situation that’ll usher all young eligible bachelors in my direction, while my uncle and father sit on thrones and tick off the potential suitors’ virtue. I am tired of the damned pipeline. My father, bless him, has only enquired about such matters twice, but he and my uncle are 5&6 and I know if uncle asks, pops knows about it.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before, you’d know that I am not particularly keen on marriage but as my mother says, ‘all these geles that I have bought for other people’s children, those people must also buy and tie gele because of you o’ this sentiment has caused me to reconsider my stoic stance on the old union. Mind you, they have five children, they do not have to wait on me but the poor woman has got her heart set on next year, which would be the last ‘respectable year’ for me to ‘tie a man down’. When expressed in those words, the whole thing sounds so exciting (!). The images that those words conjure up in my mind, some poor dude, tied down to the bed like a goat, bleating for food and whining for sex, yup, very exciting.

My cousin Q has not helped my case, Mr. Playa-for-life has only gone and proposed to his girlfriend! He was my partner in crime, the one who nodded in agreement at all the family gathering anytime I offered my opinion on marriage.

Such is their desperation for me to get married, that when my cousin Sunny was christening his child (a bit of background, Sunny is my uncle’s first son. He has two baby mothers, both Jamaican, both slightly mentally unbalanced, so you can imagine what a joy he is to my uncle) Johnny accompanied me, as I did not want to go alone. My uncle, upon seeing me with this big guy, comes over and says, ‘so this is you, abi? Let me tell you, we are holding o’ instead of the mumu boy to be quiet, he says ‘ki l’en hold sa’? (what are you holding, sir) uncle then proceeds to life up his buba to show Johnny gun fingers over the draw strings of his trousers and proclaims, ‘so, if you’re thinking of misbehaving, we will deal with you’. Now, I had not even introduced poor Johnny to them, but I guess he was just excited to see a potential husband. The idea that dude is just my best friend is just part of my ‘Oyibo nonsense’

Being happy and single is an oxymoron to my folks, how can you possible be ‘happy’ when you don’t have a man? When moms says this, she means it like so, ‘every woman needs a man. Abi, someone told you it’s only men that need woman, ehn’ in other words, I need to be getting laid on the regular! Imagine moms giving me her tacit permission to be myself, wow! If only I could clue her into the things I helped myself to….

So, the pipe line is dry right now, I do not have any potentials (some of you might be thinking, what about TV? Well, I don’t see that happening. )

A change in career is necessary now, my job is beyond mind numbing. I had a chance to move to something far more interesting internally, I passed it up, I guess I was under the impression that I like this job  now, I’m feeling it. I dunno what to do, bills must be paid, so…..

I gotta jet now, hope all is well with you and yours.

Peace.

Recommend something to me please, music that is. I'm a little low on new music.

This one time....

So, it's been a minute. That the unofficial opening sentence of any post I put up. I guess I outghta realise, I do this when the spirit moves me, like now.

I finally moved into my new place. The landlord agreed to take a little off the asking price, dude even left his internet on. I have been here two weeks now, it does not feel like home yet, I guess that'll come after a while. I miss my siblings.

I am really rather tempted to write about TV but I do not wanna be infected by that crazy impulse. The type that seems to drive us to tell our inner most thoughts and feeling to a wall. I have resolved to not write anything on here that I cannot say to TV in person. I feel somewhat exposed, guess if my blog was not known to TV, then I might have but as it is now, I cannot let the internet be the means through which we communicate feelings, be they anger or something close to something else....

What really inspired this post is sadness, a low humming kinda sadness. A feeling that can be provoked by memories that sneak up, especially after a fleeting glance at something you once shared with someone special.

I had a friend once that I loved so much, so very much. She and I grew apart, we'll never be as close we once were. This sounds like some mushy romantic thing, I guess it is, a friendship as intense as that which we shared cannot sound like anything else. Anyways, I was walking in the snow today, just keen as hell to get home and I passed a car playing a song and in that crazy moment, I wondered why she popped into my head.... Then I realised. It's not the first time, I had forgotten before but this year it feels final, like I won't get another chance to feel so bad about forgetting ever again. And if I hadn't, what would it have been worth for me to call and say happy birthday? We have not spoken in a while. Some friendships need to be nurtured, other can be paused and resumed when all interested parties meet again. I feel ours is the former. So, there it is. I am super sad right now. I dunno if you still read my blog P, if you do, it was real, always and since we can't really talk these days, I want you to know that that..... ah, erm, I'll tell you.

I am keen to discover new blogs, so please recommend.

I am a gadget head, as anyone who reads this blog knows, I am wondering if I should get these Dr. Dre headphones. I am pretty small, 5'3' to be exact and I reckon I'd look pretty silly to have those big ass headphones on my head, what do you think?

I don't like Kanye West's new joint. I thought I would but dude's rap talent is very close to nil. I dunno, it's just a bunch of hype. I especially loathe this track called 'blame game' that is just some misogynistic rubbish.

I forget birthdays, it's my mother's today and my pops had to call to remind me. She was just happy I called. I know, it'll cost me nothing to remember, but I hope those who love me will not judge me because of it ... lol! To TV, you have been warned in advance, yup.

Be good, Peace.

My song of the day, 'Kwanele' by Thandiswa.

On mute (TV et al)

Iwon't even say it, my usual. I've been gone, because I have had little time. I think I found somewhere to live. The landlord wants a lot, I want to pay less than a lot, so we're talking. The flat is the perfect size for me.

I am at work, HSBC has been kind enough to have free web access upstairs, except it's cold and the seating is uncomfortable, but it's free, so....

Yours Truly has been been on with TV. It has been an interesting ride, I think cupid has his foot (or is it 'her foot') dangerously close to some sensitive parts right now. I don't do the 'love' thing or I have never done the love thing. But, hmmmn. Me and TV have almost nothing in common. We don't like same films or music, we are so very different. Funnily enough, that is perfect! I need to be dragged outta my cocoon, a place that allows me little time for adventures and other things. We have intersting sex too. Intersting in that I am no longer sure of myself, my ability to please, I have reverted to the nervous me, waiting for directions, eager to please. It's mad!!!! I think that bloody Cupid has something to do with it.

Right now, TV and I are not talking. We had a thing last night. I wanted to talk, TV listened and promptly went back to tapping on the BB. I don't even want to go into in. Suffice it to say that I won't call again but if TV calls, I'll be happy to talk.

I am getting another tatt. The lovely Sugabelly, whose hand in marriage I secretly hope for, has drawn me 'L7' in the Igbo script. I wanted something Nigerian and that is the closest I could get.

I feel taken, like I want to be with TV but it's dangerous. TV doesn't talk to me and I suck at guessing. TV is on mute (lol, see that joke there!). TV would rather talk to twitter. (oh btw, I promised to not to read the twitter account, and I kept my promise, until today when I got rather curious. I confessed. Tv's mad about it. TV reads my blog, L7 is not mad about that. I keep it real on here, no fabrications, so TV reads exactly what I think about everything. What I found on the Twitter was not nice, two entries telling me to go 'Fuck myself'... yikes! I do try (to fuck myself that is) but it's not as much pleasure these days. :-). Oh well)

I gotta dash.

Ps - I met Thandiswa!!! I will write about that advernture later.

PP, Maroc...

Okay, who has been living an emotional roller coaster? After TV, I have been really good, celibate, turning down chances I would have grasped, if feels good not being led by my libido. With all that said, TV and I talk, a lot! I dunno that that is necessarily a good thing, that situation could get very messy. The upside of the whole not sleeping with anyone thing is... I have become an excellent masturbator (if there is such a thing). Too much information? Ehh, what the heck! One oughta know one's body well, it is a must in life! You need to know what you like to know what you want, I believe this. There is nothing more off putting that being a pillow princess! (one who just lays there and does nothing) Anticipate, engage and participate :-)

I went to Morocco! It was a great time, shame about the cuisine though. I really thought I would enjoy the food, I found it all rather bland save for one meal, a tangine we had at the main square. I intend to put up pictures from the trip when I'm less tired.

Yours Truly at the CTM bus station, Marrakesh. (I had terrible hair for the entire week!)

I've been gone for a minute! Why do I find myself saying that in every new post? In the meantime, I am nursing an e-crush on Sugabelly, she is my own blogger Goddess (shame the chic does not know just how mind blowing she is) and I have been catching up on some good music. On a serious note, Naija music is starting to bore me! If I remove the words 'Swagga, shekpe and shayo' a lotta artists would be mute! I wanna hear something original, something that screams 'Naija' and I am not talking about that psuedo American accent that all use. Okay, I am back to dipping in Saffa music now, discovered one joint whilst searching for something else, it bangs! I cannot say how much I dig the chic right now, her voice has been the soundtrack to my journey for the past week.

Quick question, how many people have sent naked pictures to someone? Via email or BBM (or whatever medium that exists for such things)? I like being titillated like that, pictures of bare shoulders, forearms, and lips exciting me. I have been over indulged by a particular person for a while, it's fun... Shame I do not take many pictures, I am rather convinced that I look like an alien in most of them (I am serious o. If I do put one up, it's because I have mulled it over and decided that you can just about make out that I am human :-)


So here's my lady of the moment, Thandiswa Mazwai. I have a thing for the Xhosa click, the ish is sexy as hell.



Until the muse takes me again, peace.

Secretly, over 18s.

I have started living vicariously through my friends! My life is rather boring right now. I have put a full stop to my sexual escapades. I just can't find the time, that is not to say I will turn you down if you're tryna gimme some, please feel free to holla, anytime, we can even exchange BB pins and then we'll decided what we wanna do. Okay hold on, does this count as me soliciting? Because that is a crime, abi? Nah, I am just tryna meet people so unlike myself.

(just in case some police like characters are reading this. Oh yeah, if you're not over 18, this here post is not for you, thanks!)

Okay lemme get serious, not that I was being entirely facetious, today is Sunday and I spent four hours at work. Such has been my life for the past three months.

I saw a friend last night, she reminded of times that I did any and everything. I was ever so tempted to give in to the past... See, that is what boredom does to to you!

I love being a banker, (okay,that's not true, I like the money that one can make being a banker) don't get me me wrong but I do not want my work/life balance to be skewed in favour of work.

I saw a film on Friday, 'The Secret In Their Eyes'. I would recommend it to anyone looking for a cinematic treat.

The above picture I took for a friend, note the cereal bowl, that was me enjoying an after work meal of Coco Pops, even though I hate milk, contradiction, eh?

Short piece this'll be. I am off to bed.



Peace.

In the gap (TV and Friend)

So, it has been two months and some since I blogged last. I have been busy, crazy busy. The new(ish) leaves me with hardly any time for myself. But, it's going well so I cannot complain.

During myself imposed hiatus, I had my birthday, I reconciled with an old friend, got in a love triangle of sorts. The latter was just crazy. More of it later but right...

May I just say that Saccharine Royalty is cheeky little bugger (as we say here in good old blighty). The best friend is a playwright, so he has written a musical. The thing about musicals is that you need music, abi? So I mentioned to Johnny, (the best friend) that I know this dude who does music and great posters. I called up SR and dude was like 'yes, who is this?' Of course he has my number (you're reading this, so let me say, 'yes, you do!') Anyways, he was slightly cold be he warmed up, I told him why I called and as I expected, he was cool. So, about a day later! I get an email from dude saying we could get together if I felt like it! I mean, if someone else said let's get together, I'd think they meant for coffee or just a general chit chat but SR, he meant let's fuck! I laughed, it was slightly flattering that he'd still be interested but he's a man now, so I guess I shouldn't read too deeply into that. He's a nice dude though, all things considered.

My birthday was interesting, in a completely different way to last year. I did not go 'out' as such. I went to work, as it fell on a Monday and I spent the night with, hmmn, what shall we call this one, let's just say, The Visitor (TV from now on). Now I mentioned earlier that I was caught in a love triangle, abi? Well, it was with TV and a friend. Now, I have made it clear on several occasions, to my lovers and friends, that right now, I just want to fuck, sleep around, get laid, whatever. The only caveat where that is concerned is that I will sleep with only that one person during any period of time, no double dipping for me, thanks. Okay, back to the matter at hand, TV, friend and yours truly, hung out on my birthday, it was cool. I did not get laid like I wanted and planned to because, well, you guessed it! Friend was around! We did everything but the main! It was frustrating as hell! But the next day we just chilled, I surprised myself, I did not get the urge to pick up my things and leave, I wanted to stay. This shocked me, it was the first time in a long, long time that I wanted to be around the morning after. They were here as tourists, TV and friend, so I guess a part of me did not mind being so unguarded, it was crazy though. I actually put my plans to go meet up with an old lover on the shelf because of TV (and friend, because one came with the other!).Maybe it's because TV was completely different to anyone I had been with but this I actually wanted to talk and cook! Imagine! It was cool though, I had fun with the whole thing, Johnny reckons I'm slipping, me? Hmmn, I dunno. As much as I liked them (in very different ways, might I add. I was crazily attracted to one and the other one I thought would make a good hang out buddy), I was very uncomfortable with the whole arrangement. Okay, this is getting to be a mantra from me but I cannot delve into the story much as I would love to, I have not sought permission from TV and friend and I do not want to upset anyone.

I am still in the process of trying to move out. I realise staying at home as long as I have has stunted me in so many ways. London is very expensive though, I am talking a grand for one a decent one bedroom flat with good transport links. I am willing to pay that much. Freedom, to employ the old cliché, is priceless.

Oh, to the friend I reconciled with. If you are familiar with this blog, you'll know I have/had a friend called E.Q. This chic meant the world to me, for real. We fell out last year, December, to be precise. It was very hard for me, more than I thought it could be. I guess I can say that I was heart broken. I called, wrote emails, left voicemails and all the while I wondered at the strange force that made me swallow my pride so completely, albeit four months after the fact. But I did all that anyway because I loved the chic, we were very different but I dug the fact that she could talk to me about anything. Long story short, we met up on a Saturday, I walked through Portobello Market to meet her, my heart pounding, thinking about what I would say to her, how I would fill her in on all the things I had been up to. When I finally saw her.... Nothing! All the nervous excitement dissipated and in its place was a low humming disappointment. We talked and it dawned on me that though we had know each other for years, I cared more about our break up than she did. Also, she had changed, in ways I can't exactly describe or maybe I have, I dunno but.... It finally dawned on me that we can never be again as we once were. It's shame really, I don't really make friends with women, it's just the way it has turned out. I'll still miss the chic but I have satisfied the burn to reconcile, now I am good.

It's been a while, so I had a lot to get off my chest.

I hope everyone's been good.

The picture above is of my birthday present to myself.It speaks for itself I think.

Oh! I am so excited about Rick Ross' new album, it's been a while for me where hip hop is concerned but this one looks good.

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