Last night, I received my quarterly phone call from my uncle. He has this rather odd habit that I cannot understand, or is it that I just choose not to. Anyway, dude called me up, as he does, and says, so you cannot call me abi? My brain does the tick tock-ing thing it does when someone suggests something I find rather preposterous. I will not call any of my aunts or uncles, unless, heaven forbid, an emergency should occur. So, I gracefully apologised, ‘uncle, ko ri be, mo wa very busy ni’ (it’s not like that, I was just very busy) He proceeds to lecture me on the importance of keeping family close. Then he gets to the crux of the phone call, ‘So, is there anything in the pipeline’? I stammer for a minute and I say, er Uncle no, like I said, I have been very busy. Now, my stammer was not brought on by shock, no. The last time I answered ‘no’ to that question, my darling uncle embarked on a search that produced three useless candidates.
The pipeline is the place or perhaps a situation that’ll usher all young eligible bachelors in my direction, while my uncle and father sit on thrones and tick off the potential suitors’ virtue. I am tired of the damned pipeline. My father, bless him, has only enquired about such matters twice, but he and my uncle are 5&6 and I know if uncle asks, pops knows about it.
Now, if you’ve read my blog before, you’d know that I am not particularly keen on marriage but as my mother says, ‘all these geles that I have bought for other people’s children, those people must also buy and tie gele because of you o’ this sentiment has caused me to reconsider my stoic stance on the old union. Mind you, they have five children, they do not have to wait on me but the poor woman has got her heart set on next year, which would be the last ‘respectable year’ for me to ‘tie a man down’. When expressed in those words, the whole thing sounds so exciting (!). The images that those words conjure up in my mind, some poor dude, tied down to the bed like a goat, bleating for food and whining for sex, yup, very exciting.
My cousin Q has not helped my case, Mr. Playa-for-life has only gone and proposed to his girlfriend! He was my partner in crime, the one who nodded in agreement at all the family gathering anytime I offered my opinion on marriage.
Such is their desperation for me to get married, that when my cousin Sunny was christening his child (a bit of background, Sunny is my uncle’s first son. He has two baby mothers, both Jamaican, both slightly mentally unbalanced, so you can imagine what a joy he is to my uncle) Johnny accompanied me, as I did not want to go alone. My uncle, upon seeing me with this big guy, comes over and says, ‘so this is you, abi? Let me tell you, we are holding o’ instead of the mumu boy to be quiet, he says ‘ki l’en hold sa’? (what are you holding, sir) uncle then proceeds to life up his buba to show Johnny gun fingers over the draw strings of his trousers and proclaims, ‘so, if you’re thinking of misbehaving, we will deal with you’. Now, I had not even introduced poor Johnny to them, but I guess he was just excited to see a potential husband. The idea that dude is just my best friend is just part of my ‘Oyibo nonsense’
Being happy and single is an oxymoron to my folks, how can you possible be ‘happy’ when you don’t have a man? When moms says this, she means it like so, ‘every woman needs a man. Abi, someone told you it’s only men that need woman, ehn’ in other words, I need to be getting laid on the regular! Imagine moms giving me her tacit permission to be myself, wow! If only I could clue her into the things I helped myself to….
So, the pipe line is dry right now, I do not have any potentials (some of you might be thinking, what about TV? Well, I don’t see that happening. )
A change in career is necessary now, my job is beyond mind numbing. I had a chance to move to something far more interesting internally, I passed it up, I guess I was under the impression that I like this job now, I’m feeling it. I dunno what to do, bills must be paid, so…..
I gotta jet now, hope all is well with you and yours.
Peace.
Recommend something to me please, music that is. I'm a little low on new music.
5 months ago
