The VIIth Testament.

Anonymously, censor me,

2011-08-02T20:34:00.002+01:00

So, I called Verastic's show last week. The topic was ‘anonymous bloggers’ The pros and cons of it (or something like that)

I thought about the implications of me not being anonymous, though I blog under a pseudonym, most people that know me, will know that that is me.

Also, I send people to my blog, like, if they ask me these ‘getting you know you’ kinda questions, I always say, here’s my blog, go read it.

Also, I loathe the idea of keeping a secret blog, where only a select few will know I write or know the url. I made the conscious decision to keep an online diary; I fully understood what that meant. And, I like to read what people have to say, differing opinions are always welcomed.

In the past year, I have had to amend three posts. The first two were because I thought about what I had written and I felt so exposed, like my emotions were out there for all to see, actually the feeling was akin to being naked! And, I was not comfortable with that if I am not comfortable, I take it down. The third one, well, I think I might have been a little ‘unready’ to put it up when I did, but I've saved it. I think it’s something I’d want to read about in year, to know what I was thinking and feeling and where my head was at. That is why I blog after all.

Once, my boy’s ex read my blog and something that I had written innocently, a throwaway comment almost, caused her pain. Caused her to think things that were not there because of how she chose to understand me, and her history with my boy. I felt bad, but I was not sorry. I did not write anything about her, nor did I comment on their relationship. I tried to help her see were I was coming from but that did not go down too well. So in the end, I have to decide what is important.

I know that the downside of being so open is that people may read the blog and use the information in a way that I am not cool with but the opportunity to write what I want about my own life, emotions et al, far outweigh that fear.

I won’t resort to blogging anonymously but I will take other people’s privacy into consideration. Ultimately, this is my space, my own arena, somewhere I possess a modicum of freedom. I won’t give that up.

I have two songs of the moment, one’s an oldie, and the other is a remix . Firstly, we have ‘Fu-Gee-La’ by the Fugess. There’s something about the way Luaryn sings the chorus that has been getting to me these days, that ‘Ooh la la la lalala sweeet thing’ I love it!

The second is ‘Trust Issues (remix)’ by The Weekend. This songs bangs, the original is by Drake and as usual, dude is on his love/like kinda tip. This remix is more about bravado, from the protagonist and his object of lust, that is so in my zone right now. So, yeah, check it out!

That's me for this this entry, stay blessed all. x. Peace.

Me Being, Distracted. (1. The Gadget Edition)

2011-07-16T20:33:00.001+01:00

Me Being, Distracted. (1. The Gadget Edition)

So, I love gadgets. I might have mentioned that before but I really love gadgets. So, in the spirit of my love, here is a breakdown.

I am mainly an audiophile; I am on an incessant quest for a device that can deliver damn near perfect audio. I have speakers, headphones, earphones because of this singular mission. Currently, I’ve got beautiful cherry wood speakers with great drivers (really, the sound that these bad boys out put is just great and to think they are about 6 years old), I have a blue tooth speaker, the sound from that is not so impressive but the technology is in the incipient stages, so I cannot complain, plus it’s mad convenient. Lastly, I’ve got a baby wireless speaker, the sound is great, the price was even better, I’d recommend it.

Now, to my passion, my babies, my joys… (Yes, I am slightly nutty but I think you all know that by now) My headphones! I’ve got 5 headphones at the moment; they are all black, all pretty. These are my two favourites, Marshall Majors, bought for me by one of my favourite women  and these Bowers & Wilkins P5s, (That I call Marshall& Kora, yes, I name my gadgets! I may introduce you to the rest of my headphones by name, should the mood take me, I’m sure you’re excited!) bought by yours truly. They both sound great but different. I prefer the Marshalls because they are not as ostentatious as the P5s but I had to have the P5s, I’m a music head and game recognise game.

I knew I wanted to wanted to buy a phone, I had grown quite tired of the Blackberry Bold and its wack OS, its small ass screen and general shittiness. So, I did mad research for a phone that I could use as a personal media player (pmp) as well as having the functionalities that I was looking for from a phone. I decided on the Samsung Galaxy S II. Goodness, the phone is the business, as a pmp, it functions beautifully, the picture quality is great, the Android OS is much better than the shitty ass BB OS, the only reason I still hold the BB is to speak to Naija people. Anyway, I dig my phone, and I didn’t want an Iphone, its ubiquity and Apple’s general paranoia about content put me right off. I wanna do as I please with content that I have purchased or placed on my phone, Apple does not want to allow that, so it can bugger right off when it comes to phones. I’d recommend the SG SII any day. Really, it’s a great piece of kit. I call her Sadé.

Finally, I caught the bug! My boy has been on about the wonders of this thing for years and I’ve just basically aired him. But I succumbed; my senses were overwhelmed with the beauty of the thing. So, when it came time for me to upgrade my laptop, I thought long and hard, did mad research and decided to get a……. *sigh* MAC! I have no opinions on it yet as I’ve just bought it, I’ll give it about a week to see if we’re compatible. I wanted a strong masculine name for him, so I asked around, E.Q. suggested Nkém, and that’s what he’s called.

These are the things that give me comfort right now, I'd put up a photo of E.Q. but she's not a gadget... She's been good to me.

I have two songs of the moment, I like both for different reasons. This one, 'Stimela' by Hugh Masekela speaks to my soul, so I choose to share it with you. My boy Mac put me on to this particular song, dude has the best taste in music, really. I wait for him to discover something and then share, I almost always dig whatever he recommends. So here, this is a masterpiece and I'm sure it is well known to most folks but I'm a Johnny-come-lately. :-)

I bid you peace.

Final Quarter. (Static)

2011-06-20T22:01:00.005+01:00

So, I've been wanting to write for a minute now. Been constructing paragraphs in my head for about a week now. But, as I've doing since I started this blogging thing, I'll write from my head or heart, wherever the words choose to emanate.

The point has been made. :-)

My song of the moment: 'Can't Do Better' by Jojo. She went hard on that track!

The VIIth

2011-06-10T23:28:00.002+01:00

So, it was yours truly’s birthday on the 7th! I’m a year older, I’m not so sure if I’ve gotten any wiser though.I was going to write a long reflective post but I think that is unnecessary considering I've kept a diary of sorts on this blog.

The first thing most people asked me was ‘how does it feel to be a year older’ Dumb ass question. Like a new feeling will suddenly descend as soon as the clock hits 12. I feel the same now as I did before my birthday, the one difference, I will say though, is the thought that I need to own something. I.e. a house, car, business (okay, I have this but it’s not very exciting) or some land. The latter is the most attractive proposition of all. So, overtime and weekends at work is me for a while.

Now, I’d be the first to tell anyone willing to listen that I am super boring. I talk a good game but ultimately, I am not the party starting or life of the party (once it’s started) kinda chic…. No! Left to me, I’d spend most birthdays in my underwear, eating plantain crisps and watching war films. But, luckily, I have friends, people around me who are determined to save me from my own tedium.  . So, on Sunday, the boys took me to see Asa! She was great, she sounds just like she does on wax. She engaged with the audience, in her French accented English and she laughed a lot. I had a good time.

My birthday was on Tuesday. Not a very sexy day for birthdays but still, heaven be praised, I’m another year in. A friend of mine took me out! It was way more than I expected. I got some flowers, a book and a fancy Italian lunch, it was great. Then we went to see ‘Pirates of The Caribbean’ (Johnny Depp is a weak spot for me, I admire dude’s dexterity and the fact that he does not take himself too seriously, to top it off, he is rather easy on the eye) So, that was my birthday, in sum!

Oh, one gripe I have. My siblings are the worst!!! They remind me, very often, that being the eldest comes with certain responsibilities but between all four of them, not one card did I receive. To top it off, my sister calls me on Wednesday like, ‘Sis, there’s no food at home can you buy us some takeaway’…. Of course, I’m a sucker, so... Then she calls me today (Friday) like, ‘my friend has booked some tables for her birthday, she can’t afford the deposit, can you give me thirty pounds?’ See the thing about my sisters is that they all know I find it almost impossible to say ‘no’ to them and I am baffled as to why that is the case. Anyways, I gave her the dough but I am going to have a talk to her about being responsible and considerate. They are all grown now and I’m thinking I need to teach them some lessons. It’ll be hard but I have to make myself, otherwise, they’d never learn.

I bought myself some presents… Yay! A pair of Converses (because I prefer them to trainers), a Samsung Galaxy S II phone (I intend to blog on this later, I am so in love right now I can’t think straight. It’s a great purchase and it came at the right time) and ten driving lessons. No, I can’t drive; it’s rather embarrassing at this point. I’ll admit, though, that I do not intend to get a car, I just need to acquire the skill. So, I had my first lesson on Wednesday, it was so boring, really. I hope I don’t have to suffer that for ten weeks, or else my plan to learn will be swiftly aborted.
I’m meeting up with the Co-D (or is that the ex Co-D) on Saturday. I’d be excited if I wasn’t so nervous. I wrote about our break up and the one and only time we’d met up since here. The deep freeze between us has been thawing and I miss her wit. She’s the one person in my life who can tell me about myself, in ways that jolts me into action. Johnny is much too nice, E-Mac is very tentative about these things, and the only other person who could maybe do it (but would never) is P but my relationship with her is very different to that I have with my other friends. So, yeah, back to E.Q. I’m seeing her and we’re gonna hang out at some fancy spot that she has chosen.

I’m typing this at my desk. I have met my objectives for the day, I must say that I am not particularly keen on this office, it is cold and most of my colleagues are close in age to my pops.

I’m off now, I gotta go to my girl Tinu’s goodbye party. I am going to miss her so much. She is off to Naija. The upside is that when I’m in Gidi, there is somewhere for me to stay and someone cool for to hang with!

Below is my song of the moment. It’s ‘Let Me Know’ by Collie Buddz. (One white boy that could get it and then some!)

An hour

2011-05-19T00:03:00.002+01:00

I'm slightly high right now, off nicotine. That happens to me sometimes. I smoke, not heavily though. Sometimes when I inhale, I get light-headed and my eyes narrow, it's akin to a cannabis induced expression, or I've heard. :-)

The new job is, erm, well, interesting. I'm flying all the way solo. My manager is working in another city, so, it's me and the team. I'm slightly scared training new people, they sorta expect you to know everything. I'm pretty confident with what I know, vis-a-vis work, it's the expectations that jar me a little bit but hey, I wanted the challenge, so here it goes.

I went to watch rugby with my boy, Johnny. It was a very odd experience. Dude is into all sorts of sports, I was distracted, the men wear teeny tiny underwear like shorts but that was not the cause of my distraction. It was far too cold for me to enjoy this outdoor sport, I wanted to be at home! But, dude comes to my things, so I guess, I felt like I had to do it. Still, getting to hang with him is always good, keeps my brain fresh.

So, as a little treat to myself, I was working on this little piece. It's called an hour. If you read it tell me what you think.
.....................................................................................................
An hour.

Tonight, my door bell rang. I was in the middle of watching 'The Good Wife' or fantasising, I cannot quite remember which. Anyway, I was pulled outta my reverie, walked to the door bare footed. I opened the door in a hurry, blinking, rapidly. Err, I wasn't expecting you. Hands in your coat pockets, a half smile on your face. I was tempted to ask you, in the manner in which I felt it 'What do you want'. Instead, I steadied my gaze, ready for the words I knew were coming. 'I'm sorry' you said, 'forgive me'. I stepped aside to let you in. You were too late, yesterday, I cared.

See, I had woken up, picked a shirt I thought you'd like, we're doing lunch, going to a quiet little side cafe, we were gonna talk, or maybe I would have shown you the little Chinese guy who makes little sculptures from grass blades, I dunno. There's a canal close to my office, we would have walked past it, there are trees too, tall thick trees that conceal all kinds of things, hmmn, this is the point where I'd get hastily rewarded for my patience.

For an afternoon, maybe an hour, we'd forget that it's been a long month. I hate walking in heels but I 'd slow down, the time has to last longer than this. In my head I expected too much, way too much. But I'll fill you in. Back to my little apartment, where you tell me again that you're sorry. Now it's my turn for the half smile, 'I know, I know you are' but an hour would have made all the difference.

I wake up, to the sound of my door buzzer going off, I'm pretty sure it's about to be dejavu.
.....................................................................................................

I'm off to bed, it has been a long day. Stay blessed.

Missed opportunities?

2011-04-26T20:01:00.000+01:00

I'm getting really prolific these days. :-).

I need some therapy!!! Not the sit in chair and tell me what's wrong kind, no. I need to do something I haven't done in a while, something that makes me grin from ear to ear. It's been a minute since I have had that kinda fun.

I'm confused, seriously. I had an interview, two weeks ago, prior to leaving my old job for this new one. The opportunity seemed so exciting, working in a different city, meeting people I would not ordinarily hang with, you know? Anyways, I left my job, got a new one (little clue, it's with one of the big four auditing firms) and I forgot about the interview. Today, what do you know, I got a call! Like, hey, we'd like to offer you the job!

I could not even be happy about it. I don't like being confused. On the face of it, the offer is cool, the job pays well but so does my current one. I have no idea what to do. I need to talk to someone about it. I am terrified that I'll make the wrong decision. It can't be solely about money, other things have to be weighed up.

I think I'll make a 'pros & cons' list. I need to see my thoughts and reasons on paper.

It's funny how things work, eh? Two years ago, I couldn't pay for a job, now.... Hmmn, I guess I gotta remember to be thankful.

I don't feel so good today and I know I won't for a long time. But after that, I'll be better, much.

Stay well.

Peace.

Four day break

2011-04-24T00:13:00.001+01:00

Hey! I'm feeling a little prolific these days. :-).

I've spent the whole day reading, can't complain though, it's been a while since I've done that. I like to read book
s about people of African ancestry, the whole thing intrigues, I look for evidence of their origin and other mushy things. Anyways, I recommend the below, it was a fantastic read. When I get a book that I love, I'd read it in about day, which is really annoying because I'd like to make it last. Oh well.

The book that I'm reading right now is:

I don't know what I think about it yet, it's slow but I like the imagery that the writer has employed. We'll see.

Oh, before I leave, I recorded a little piece that I have been working on. It's raw but listen and tell me whatchu think.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Stay well,
Peace.

Nu gig, some old skool love ish.

2011-04-18T21:34:00.000+01:00

(I saw the above online, just one of my lazy surf sessions. Suffice it to say, it became my wallpaper, I thought I'd share, it seems strangely apt)

I just wanted to write a short piece, the muse has been with me for a minute. So, I left my job..... Arggggh! Okay, that situation is not a big deal, I got something a better. I am actually proud of myself where this decision is concerned.. I have a tendency to get comfortable, I saw that creeping up this time and I wanted to knock it on the head. It's a progressive move, your girl's doing some things :-)

Okay, this is what I really wanted to riff on, I don't know how people of my moms' generation love. I'm tryna say, I do not know what it means to them, I do however suspect that it is neutered by culture, especially on the woman's part. I dunno that this is true for all parents but watching mine, it is hard for me to see how they could have ever loved each other yet it is obvious to me that must have at some point. That sounds like a contradiction, abi. But to see my pops talking about my mother, I know that dude must have dug that woman at some point, he gets that look in his eyes and a small smile plays about his lips, sorta like he's been transported into a scene that I'll never fully understand. But as as quickly as the look appears, it goes.

They have zero in common, both of them. Yet, they were for some reason successful in repressing their other needs and wants, I mean, they must have been to some extent, they've 5 children. Anyways, pops announced to me last week that he was ready to bail. My moms was heart broken as it is to be expected, after thirty years. After reflecting on it though, I am not sure that the pain emanates from his impending departure, I think there is also an eleement of shame involved. I dunno how to feel about that, her shame that HE is leaving. It's really rather strange and I am trying not to look at this with 'oyibo eyes' as I have been often accused.

There are a lotta things that are going through my head where they are both concerned, most of which I cannot say because it is, as they'd say, 'too big for my mouth'

So, I felt pretty lonely, all these conflicting emotions swirling around in my head, had to keep strong though, first daughter flex. :-)

I've been kept amused by a new friend of sort, she makes me laugh, she listens, I've sorta missed that, talking to someone about nothing in particular and know that you have that person's attention. We had a long debate last night on marriage and the Nigerian woman, hmmn her views deserve a post. Bush girl.

The soundtrack to this post Duncan Mighty 'I don't give a shot' Big tune! Reminds me of my recent trip to Naija.

Sure Thing

2011-03-27T18:56:00.010+01:00

'If you stamped harder, I'd cry only within the confines of my heart, yet it hurts, it hurt me deep'. I don't remember who said this but I heard it a long time ago.

As promised.

So, we talked, Tv and I that is. It was an interesting meeting and conversation.

So back to the matter at hand. I did some extreme self analysis last night. If this is it, I gotta make sure whatever I did that has got me feeling like this I do not do again. I thought about some of the things that I could have said but I felt the time was not right to say, I think a large part of how I function is being in control of my own emotions, I have always been that way, I do not see it changing in the near future.

This week has been terrible, I hope I do not have another like it ever again.

This was my attempt at auto-therapy. I just checked this little play count thingie, I've played this song 120 time today, that's slightly nuts

A Teaser...

2011-03-21T22:16:00.008Z

Hey lovely folks. I'm here, still blogging. The silence will be explained in a few days. I made an audio blog, listen below (if you have six minute to listen to my ramblings). It's a little teaser into something I may go into more details about, depending on how my muse and emotions get along.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Who else has been checking out the art work on Swiss Beats's site. It's currr-ray-zee! I love artistic people, so I'm harboring a huge crush on dude right now. He likes Jean Michel Basquiat! Dude was my introduction to art, art that I could look at and understand, at least in my own 'non arty' kinda way. I saw this the other day, it made me smile (I'm crazy patriotic, anything to do with Naija that non Naija people dig, makes me so happy. It's some kinda silly validation, not that we need it but hey, positives are not so forthcoming when Naija is the topic.)

This is all I have to say for the mo! Listen to the post if you missed me or something. :-)

Be well.

Peace.

Johnny Mac, the last weekend.

2011-02-03T23:26:00.004Z

The last week ended on a good note, despite Grandpa’s passing. My mother is surprisingly calm about it, she says dude died peacefully, I guess that makes all the difference considering how old he was. I am still a little bothered by certain things but my pain is once remove d and if moms says it’s okay, I gotta try to see it like that.

Now, I had a nice weekend, I intend to put up some pictures, it’s been a while… I made up with P! That is a wonderful thing, really. I do not know why I was so nervous, she and I are kindred spirits, we’ll be on the same wavelength for life that much I am sure of. She came over, we talked, filled in gaps and I just revelled in her presence, being able to just talk to someone without censoring myself in anyway was a lotta fun. I had forgotten just how much. I told her about TV, she has a bunch of advice for me, none of which I am gonna follow, not because it is bad advice but because I am hard headed. 

Prior to P coming over, I spent the earlier part of Friday evening with Kaya, (I might have mentioned her before, we went to Morocco together). She is the most chilled out person I know, nothing gets to her. We were out in Morocco, the chick got mad marriage proposals, by old, young, sexy, not so sexy men and she remained so unaffected by it. I was hoping we could parlay all the attention into some freebies but she wasn’t having it. We even ran into a very well endowed carpet salesman (how did I know he was well endowed, I hear you ask, well you have to have seen what he was wearing and how it hugged him in all the best places.) and he offered to have us over at his house so we could hang out in his pool, I was almost tempted, I swear. Anyway, Kaya is my home girl, we caught up, we hadn’t seen each other since the trip and she has not changed a bit, that’s perfectly fine with me.

On Saturday the boys showed up, it was a good time with them as it always is. I love my boys, they are so different yet I have just as much in common with each one. Mac and I like the same kinda, erm how does one put this, popular culture. We are both big hip-hop heads, and he keeps up to date with things I want to know. He is very much my chill out boy, we are very cool like that, and I love how when we talk, I can see the change in who he was when I met him and who he is now. He is definitely the coolest dude I know. Johnny is cerebral, he is feeds my brain, dude is incredibly prescient on all matters political. He is a writer, a thinker, a soon to be lover (of a deserving woman) and just a generally good brother. We also share love for the film, architecture and art, the ‘bourgie’ things, as my sister would say. They met TV, they were impressed….

Mac, Johnny.

My home girl Kaya

It was my favourite weekend for a while. My football team was hot, two come from behind wins! You can’t beat that.

I gotta dash. This was rather therapeutic.

Be good, peace.

My mother's father.

2011-01-24T20:29:00.001Z

So, my grandpa died. I'm really rather heart broken about it. Not just because he was a cool cat but my moms is just so distraught. I don't do well comforting people who are grieving. She's his only child and was particularly close to him. I have no idea of what to say or do. I'm consumed by my own grief that seems to be refreshed when I think of how she must feel. I got the call at work about three hours ago. The pain of a grandchild is different to that of a child but love is love and the pain in my heart is acute.

He was really old though, 96, I think and dude had all his teeth and pretty good eye sight. He looked almost oriental and I am told I look just like him. He was a gentleman, not in the way everyone is nice when they die because we're too respectful to tell the truth about how they really were, no, he really was. I was over indulged by my mother's parents. They called me Morenikeji (which mean, literally, I found a companion) which in may ways was what I was to them, when they saw me, which was not very often. I'd sit in with my grandpa and watch him watch people go by. He hummed ( a habit that I strangely picked up) all the time, spoke not too often. But dude loved me for real. Like, in a palpable way, as children, we do not recognise these things but when I look back, I can see it so very clearly. I won't be there for his funeral, he died earlier today, he was a Muslim which means they might have buried him by now. But I feel so sad for moms, she spoke of her father so lovingly. I have just one grand parent left now. I don't even want to think about how she feels. They were together for 50+ years. It's crazy.

This is a ramble, I know. I wrote it to feel better. I dunno that I have a right to feel the way I do. I was so far from the perfect grandchild.

Today has been a weird day. Started off on a low, then a I got the best high and now this. I will go into the high another time, it does not seem appropriate to write about it right now.

God bless the departed.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

The Pipeline

2011-01-10T21:23:00.002Z

Last night, I received my quarterly phone call from my uncle. He has this rather odd habit that I cannot understand, or is it that I just choose not to. Anyway, dude called me up, as he does, and says, so you cannot call me abi? My brain does the tick tock-ing thing it does when someone suggests something I find rather preposterous. I will not call any of my aunts or uncles, unless, heaven forbid, an emergency should occur. So, I gracefully apologised, ‘uncle, ko ri be, mo wa very busy ni’ (it’s not like that, I was just very busy) He proceeds to lecture me on the importance of keeping family close. Then he gets to the crux of the phone call, ‘So, is there anything in the pipeline’? I stammer for a minute and I say, er Uncle no, like I said, I have been very busy. Now, my stammer was not brought on by shock, no. The last time I answered ‘no’ to that question, my darling uncle embarked on a search that produced three useless candidates.

The pipeline is the place or perhaps a situation that’ll usher all young eligible bachelors in my direction, while my uncle and father sit on thrones and tick off the potential suitors’ virtue. I am tired of the damned pipeline. My father, bless him, has only enquired about such matters twice, but he and my uncle are 5&6 and I know if uncle asks, pops knows about it.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before, you’d know that I am not particularly keen on marriage but as my mother says, ‘all these geles that I have bought for other people’s children, those people must also buy and tie gele because of you o’ this sentiment has caused me to reconsider my stoic stance on the old union. Mind you, they have five children, they do not have to wait on me but the poor woman has got her heart set on next year, which would be the last ‘respectable year’ for me to ‘tie a man down’. When expressed in those words, the whole thing sounds so exciting (!). The images that those words conjure up in my mind, some poor dude, tied down to the bed like a goat, bleating for food and whining for sex, yup, very exciting.

My cousin Q has not helped my case, Mr. Playa-for-life has only gone and proposed to his girlfriend! He was my partner in crime, the one who nodded in agreement at all the family gathering anytime I offered my opinion on marriage. Now, I am the ‘last grandchild over 25 that won’t get married’.

Such is their desperation for me to get married, that when my cousin Sunny was christening his child (a bit of background, Sunny is my uncle’s first son. He has two baby mothers, both Jamaican, both slightly mentally unbalanced, so you can imagine what a joy he is to my uncle) Johnny accompanied me, as I did not want to go alone. My uncle, upon seeing me with this big guy, comes over and says, ‘so this is you, abi? Let me tell you, we are holding o’ instead of the mumu boy to be quiet, he says ‘ki l’en hold sa’? (what are you holding, sir) uncle then proceeds to life up his buba to show Johnny gun fingers over the draw strings of his trousers and proclaims, ‘so, if you’re thinking of misbehaving, we will deal with you’. Now, I had not even introduced poor Johnny to them, but I guess he was just excited to see a potential husband. The idea that dude is just my best friend is just part of my ‘Oyibo nonsense’

Being happy and single is an oxymoron to my folks, how can you possible be ‘happy’ when you don’t have a man? When moms says this, she means it like so, ‘every woman needs a man. Abi, someone told you it’s only men that need woman, ehn’ in other words, I need to be getting laid on the regular! Imagine moms giving me her tacit permission to be myself, wow! If only I could clue her into the things I helped myself to….

So, the pipe line is dry right now, I do not have any potentials (some of you might be thinking, what about TV? Well, I don’t see that happening. )

A change in career is necessary now, my job is beyond mind numbing. I had a chance to move to something far more interesting internally, I passed it up, I guess I was under the impression that I like this job  now, I’m feeling it. I dunno what to do, bills must be paid, so…..

I gotta jet now, hope all is well with you and yours.

Peace.

Recommend something to me please, music that is. I'm a little low on new music.

This one time....

2010-12-18T20:27:00.005Z

So, it's been a minute. That the unofficial opening sentence of any post I put up. I guess I outghta realise, I do this when the spirit moves me, like now.

I finally moved into my new place. The landlord agreed to take a little off the asking price, dude even left his internet on. I have been here two weeks now, it does not feel like home yet, I guess that'll come after a while. I miss my siblings.

I am really rather tempted to write about TV but I do not wanna be infected by that crazy impulse. The type that seems to drive us to tell our inner most thoughts and feeling to a wall. I have resolved to not write anything on here that I cannot say to TV in person. I feel somewhat exposed, guess if my blog was not known to TV, then I might have but as it is now, I cannot let the internet be the means through which we communicate feelings, be they anger or something close to something else....

What really inspired this post is sadness, a low humming kinda sadness. A feeling that can be provoked by memories that sneak up, especially after a fleeting glance at something you once shared with someone special.

I had a friend once that I loved so much, so very much. She and I grew apart, we'll never be as close we once were. This sounds like some mushy romantic thing, I guess it is, a friendship as intense as that which we shared cannot sound like anything else. Anyways, I was walking in the snow today, just keen as hell to get home and I passed a car playing a song and in that crazy moment, I wondered why she popped into my head.... Then I realised. It's not the first time, I had forgotten before but this year it feels final, like I won't get another chance to feel so bad about forgetting ever again. And if I hadn't, what would it have been worth for me to call and say happy birthday? We have not spoken in a while. Some friendships need to be nurtured, other can be paused and resumed when all interested parties meet again. I feel ours is the former. So, there it is. I am super sad right now. I dunno if you still read my blog P, if you do, it was real, always and since we can't really talk these days, I want you to know that that..... ah, erm, I'll tell you.

I am keen to discover new blogs, so please recommend.

I am a gadget head, as anyone who reads this blog knows, I am wondering if I should get these Dr. Dre headphones. I am pretty small, 5'3' to be exact and I reckon I'd look pretty silly to have those big ass headphones on my head, what do you think?

I don't like Kanye West's new joint. I thought I would but dude's rap talent is very close to nil. I dunno, it's just a bunch of hype. I especially loathe this track called 'blame game' that is just some misogynistic rubbish.

I forget birthdays, it's my mother's today and my pops had to call to remind me. She was just happy I called. I know, it'll cost me nothing to remember, but I hope those who love me will not judge me because of it ... lol! To TV, you have been warned in advance, yup.

Be good, Peace.

My song of the day, 'Kwanele' by Thandiswa.

On mute (TV et al)

2010-11-03T15:36:00.002Z

Iwon't even say it, my usual. I've been gone, because I have had little time. I think I found somewhere to live. The landlord wants a lot, I want to pay less than a lot, so we're talking. The flat is the perfect size for me.

I am at work, HSBC has been kind enough to have free web access upstairs, except it's cold and the seating is uncomfortable, but it's free, so....

Yours Truly has been been on with TV. It has been an interesting ride, I think cupid has his foot (or is it 'her foot') dangerously close to some sensitive parts right now. I don't do the 'love' thing or I have never done the love thing. But, hmmmn. Me and TV have almost nothing in common. We don't like same films or music, we are so very different. Funnily enough, that is perfect! I need to be dragged outta my cocoon, a place that allows me little time for adventures and other things. We have intersting sex too. Intersting in that I am no longer sure of myself, my ability to please, I have reverted to the nervous me, waiting for directions, eager to please. It's mad!!!! I think that bloody Cupid has something to do with it.

Right now, TV and I are not talking. We had a thing last night. I wanted to talk, TV listened and promptly went back to tapping on the BB. I don't even want to go into in. Suffice it to say that I won't call again but if TV calls, I'll be happy to talk.

I am getting another tatt. The lovely Sugabelly, whose hand in marriage I secretly hope for, has drawn me 'L7' in the Igbo script. I wanted something Nigerian and that is the closest I could get.

I feel taken, like I want to be with TV but it's dangerous. TV doesn't talk to me and I suck at guessing. TV is on mute (lol, see that joke there!). TV would rather talk to twitter. (oh btw, I promised to not to read the twitter account, and I kept my promise, until today when I got rather curious. I confessed. Tv's mad about it. TV reads my blog, L7 is not mad about that. I keep it real on here, no fabrications, so TV reads exactly what I think about everything. What I found on the Twitter was not nice, two entries telling me to go 'Fuck myself'... yikes! I do try (to fuck myself that is) but it's not as much pleasure these days. :-). Oh well)

I gotta dash.

Ps - I met Thandiswa!!! I will write about that advernture later.

PP, Maroc...

2010-09-21T21:14:00.001+01:00

Okay, who has been living an emotional roller coaster? After TV, I have been really good, celibate, turning down chances I would have grasped, if feels good not being led by my libido. With all that said, TV and I talk, a lot! I dunno that that is necessarily a good thing, that situation could get very messy. The upside of the whole not sleeping with anyone thing is... I have become an excellent masturbator (if there is such a thing). Too much information? Ehh, what the heck! One oughta know one's body well, it is a must in life! You need to know what you like to know what you want, I believe this. There is nothing more off putting that being a pillow princess! (one who just lays there and does nothing) Anticipate, engage and participate :-)

I went to Morocco! It was a great time, shame about the cuisine though. I really thought I would enjoy the food, I found it all rather bland save for one meal, a tangine we had at the main square. I intend to put up pictures from the trip when I'm less tired.

Yours Truly at the CTM bus station, Marrakesh. (I had terrible hair for the entire week!)

I've been gone for a minute! Why do I find myself saying that in every new post? In the meantime, I am nursing an e-crush on Sugabelly, she is my own blogger Goddess (shame the chic does not know just how mind blowing she is) and I have been catching up on some good music. On a serious note, Naija music is starting to bore me! If I remove the words 'Swagga, shekpe and shayo' a lotta artists would be mute! I wanna hear something original, something that screams 'Naija' and I am not talking about that psuedo American accent that all use. Okay, I am back to dipping in Saffa music now, discovered one joint whilst searching for something else, it bangs! I cannot say how much I dig the chic right now, her voice has been the soundtrack to my journey for the past week.

Quick question, how many people have sent naked pictures to someone? Via email or BBM (or whatever medium that exists for such things)? I like being titillated like that, pictures of bare shoulders, forearms, and lips exciting me. I have been over indulged by a particular person for a while, it's fun... Shame I do not take many pictures, I am rather convinced that I look like an alien in most of them (I am serious o. If I do put one up, it's because I have mulled it over and decided that you can just about make out that I am human :-)

So here's my lady of the moment, Thandiswa Mazwai. I have a thing for the Xhosa click, the ish is sexy as hell.

Until the muse takes me again, peace.

Secretly, over 18s.

2010-08-15T22:43:00.001+01:00

I have started living vicariously through my friends! My life is rather boring right now. I have put a full stop to my sexual escapades. I just can't find the time, that is not to say I will turn you down if you're tryna gimme some, please feel free to holla, anytime, we can even exchange BB pins and then we'll decided what we wanna do. Okay hold on, does this count as me soliciting? Because that is a crime, abi? Nah, I am just tryna meet people so unlike myself.

(just in case some police like characters are reading this. Oh yeah, if you're not over 18, this here post is not for you, thanks!)

Okay lemme get serious, not that I was being entirely facetious, today is Sunday and I spent four hours at work. Such has been my life for the past three months.

I saw a friend last night, she reminded of times that I did any and everything. I was ever so tempted to give in to the past... See, that is what boredom does to to you!

I love being a banker, (okay,that's not true, I like the money that one can make being a banker) don't get me me wrong but I do not want my work/life balance to be skewed in favour of work.

I saw a film on Friday, 'The Secret In Their Eyes'. I would recommend it to anyone looking for a cinematic treat.

The above picture I took for a friend, note the cereal bowl, that was me enjoying an after work meal of Coco Pops, even though I hate milk, contradiction, eh?

Short piece this'll be. I am off to bed.

Peace.

In the gap (TV and Friend)

2010-07-26T22:05:00.004+01:00

So, it has been two months and some since I blogged last. I have been busy, crazy busy. The new(ish) leaves me with hardly any time for myself. But, it's going well so I cannot complain.

During myself imposed hiatus, I had my birthday, I reconciled with an old friend, got in a love triangle of sorts. The latter was just crazy. More of it later but right...

May I just say that Saccharine Royalty is cheeky little bugger (as we say here in good old blighty). The best friend is a playwright, so he has written a musical. The thing about musicals is that you need music, abi? So I mentioned to Johnny, (the best friend) that I know this dude who does music and great posters. I called up SR and dude was like 'yes, who is this?' Of course he has my number (you're reading this, so let me say, 'yes, you do!') Anyways, he was slightly cold be he warmed up, I told him why I called and as I expected, he was cool. So, about a day later! I get an email from dude saying we could get together if I felt like it! I mean, if someone else said let's get together, I'd think they meant for coffee or just a general chit chat but SR, he meant let's fuck! I laughed, it was slightly flattering that he'd still be interested but he's a man now, so I guess I shouldn't read too deeply into that. He's a nice dude though, all things considered.

My birthday was interesting, in a completely different way to last year. I did not go 'out' as such. I went to work, as it fell on a Monday and I spent the night with, hmmn, what shall we call this one, let's just say, The Visitor (TV from now on). Now I mentioned earlier that I was caught in a love triangle, abi? Well, it was with TV and a friend. Now, I have made it clear on several occasions, to my lovers and friends, that right now, I just want to fuck, sleep around, get laid, whatever. The only caveat where that is concerned is that I will sleep with only that one person during any period of time, no double dipping for me, thanks. Okay, back to the matter at hand, TV, friend and yours truly, hung out on my birthday, it was cool. I did not get laid like I wanted and planned to because, well, you guessed it! Friend was around! We did everything but the main! It was frustrating as hell! But the next day we just chilled, I surprised myself, I did not get the urge to pick up my things and leave, I wanted to stay. This shocked me, it was the first time in a long, long time that I wanted to be around the morning after. They were here as tourists, TV and friend, so I guess a part of me did not mind being so unguarded, it was crazy though. I actually put my plans to go meet up with an old lover on the shelf because of TV (and friend, because one came with the other!).Maybe it's because TV was completely different to anyone I had been with but this I actually wanted to talk and cook! Imagine! It was cool though, I had fun with the whole thing, Johnny reckons I'm slipping, me? Hmmn, I dunno. As much as I liked them (in very different ways, might I add. I was crazily attracted to one and the other one I thought would make a good hang out buddy), I was very uncomfortable with the whole arrangement. Okay, this is getting to be a mantra from me but I cannot delve into the story much as I would love to, I have not sought permission from TV and friend and I do not want to upset anyone.

I am still in the process of trying to move out. I realise staying at home as long as I have has stunted me in so many ways. London is very expensive though, I am talking a grand for one a decent one bedroom flat with good transport links. I am willing to pay that much. Freedom, to employ the old cliché, is priceless.

Oh, to the friend I reconciled with. If you are familiar with this blog, you'll know I have/had a friend called E.Q. This chic meant the world to me, for real. We fell out last year, December, to be precise. It was very hard for me, more than I thought it could be. I guess I can say that I was heart broken. I called, wrote emails, left voicemails and all the while I wondered at the strange force that made me swallow my pride so completely, albeit four months after the fact. But I did all that anyway because I loved the chic, we were very different but I dug the fact that she could talk to me about anything. Long story short, we met up on a Saturday, I walked through Portobello Market to meet her, my heart pounding, thinking about what I would say to her, how I would fill her in on all the things I had been up to. When I finally saw her.... Nothing! All the nervous excitement dissipated and in its place was a low humming disappointment. We talked and it dawned on me that though we had know each other for years, I cared more about our break up than she did. Also, she had changed, in ways I can't exactly describe or maybe I have, I dunno but.... It finally dawned on me that we can never be again as we once were. It's shame really, I don't really make friends with women, it's just the way it has turned out. I'll still miss the chic but I have satisfied the burn to reconcile, now I am good.

It's been a while, so I had a lot to get off my chest.

I hope everyone's been good.

The picture above is of my birthday present to myself.It speaks for itself I think.

Oh! I am so excited about Rick Ross' new album, it's been a while for me where hip hop is concerned but this one looks good.

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Crossing lines, almost

2010-05-24T20:46:00.002+01:00

So, I had an interesting weekend, it could have been better but... I did reach one interesting conclusion about myself though! I am not a great drinker. In my mind, I like to think that I can knock back shots, whilst swigging beers and downing mojitos, this is not true. I got drunk, like stupidly drunk. The kinda drunkenness that separates the body from the mind, I willed my body to do one thing and it completely ignored me! I had to force myself to throw up, just so I could walk.

Back to the essence of the weekend, I made some friends on FB and they're in London for a while, so yours truly took it upon herself to be a kinda tour guide. Might I add that I am a quite boring, I do not do the whole clubbing thing so I was a little nervous about how I was going to show my two friends a good time. I roped in some other friends and we headed out to town. We got to one spot, the music sucked!

Seriously, I am not much of a dancer but I move some and in order for that to happen, I need to at least hear some good shit but that was not to be. The DJ did shout out my friend whose birthday it was and she played ONE good song, this is after I begged her of course. After the time at the bar, we went to a cafe and this is where things sorta went south!

Now, I am afflicted with a perennial big mouth. Sometimes, I indulge myself by saying exactly what I mean to say, how I mean to say it, with little or no thought to how it'll affect people around me. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you'd know that one of the things I detest most is this precise aspect in some people. I basically said all kinds of things that should have earned me a slap (according to my very good friend) but did not. I managed to piss off two of my friends, one has gotten over it, she loves me too much not to (cue serious eye rolling sessions) the other, err, I am not so sure. She says it's 'ba wahala' but I do not know the chick well enough to take her word for it.

Anyway sha, I spent Saturday and Sunday feeling pretty bad, I am talker, hell. I could talk for Lagos Island but I reckon I went a little far. In order for what I am going on about to make perfect sense, I would have to write about some things which I cannot because they are not solely mine to tell. This is the horrible part if writing, where one has to remember to defer to other people's feeling when keeping such a public diary. Oh, another thing I did discover though is that free fucking, as I so crudely want to put it, always has repercussions! Yes, there goes my string free theory. By this I do not mean one person falling in love, if there is a chance of this happening, I am yet to be affected by it, a fact that I am very grateful for. But I mean, the next person I decide to engage with sexually, has to be someone that I would not be around but for sexing, does that make sense?

This blog of mine has turned into a running commentary on my sex life. I want this to be the last post on it for a while, unless I have some mind blowing, heart stopping sex! :-) This one person that I got down with last, is pretty cool, someone I could chill with even if were just hanging out, I am mildly surprised by the force of the physical attraction I felt, to be honest, sex can be pretty perfunctory for me, it's like, you want it, I want it, let's do the damn thing, lol. But there I was, studying crevices and grooves, remembering smiles and 360 type transformations, I was knocked off my stride some, so much so that I woulda pulled myself to the side and asked myself some questions if I could have. I am the kinda lover that enjoys being touched as well as touching, I am very responsive and I enjoy responses, I figured that as a woman, I gotta make sure that I am not a pillow princess, waiting to be touched with hands by her side, that is not a good look! I also enjoy being in control, as a matter of fact, I pride myself on that. So in this instance, that was not the case, I turned into a kitten, unusually submissive and hungry to touched, even thinking about it now makes me cringe... Hmmn, what I gotta figure out though is why! I have not had much time to process it, my mind has been too busy these days but when I do give it proper thought, I will share.

So, I gotta draw a line under my latest adventure, why? You may ask, well, my guard slipped a little, not by much and we are certainly not talking about a romantic kinda deal here but by enough to make me think, errr, enough of this now! That's sorta makes me a coward huh? Yes, I will not deny, I am not one for putting more than my body in the hands of someone I have nothing more than biblical relations with, Lol. Okay it is undeniable, I am a wimp! I think we'll just hang out and watch basketball together or something. I am typing this on my lunch break, such is my boredom. The new job is going well, it'll allow me to move out in a couple of weeks, fingers crossed. I went to Madame Tussauds, this is not something I would have done ordinarily but it was a friend's birthday and I was invited so, off I went. I would like to say now that I do not think it is a worthwhile way to spend one's hard earned money, seeing a bunch of wax celebrities doing nothing, it is just not my cup of tea. Any how, the picture above is Yours Truly and The Greatest, I dig him, yay!

I gotta jet now, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Oh! Has anyone heard some good music or seen a really good film they'd like to recommend? I have not had much time to discover new things these day. Peace!

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Job, like this.

2010-05-12T22:13:00.000+01:00

It has been over a month!! May I confess that I suffer from chronic procrastination, I have been meaning to do this for a while....

So, since I wrote last. I got a job, in fact, at this very moment, I have two! I work at a Broker's at the moment, doing my Compliance/KYC thing, I love it there. It's very laid back, jeans and T-shirt kinda place. The pay is good and I am pretty much left to my own devices. Then, I had an interview at HSBC! I did not think I was going to get the job, the lady who conducted the interview was not nice at all! Anyhow, to cut the long story short, they offered me the job, it pays very well and it's a mid term contract. I was really conflicted about taking it. I dig loyalty and I felt really bad for a couple of days. It then dawned on my that I gotta do what's best for me. So yours truly is stacking them chip, you know? I am tryna go home!

That's the job front. On a more interesting note.... I took a hiatus from all forms of sexual activity, even masturbation! It was not as hard as I thought it'd be. Funnily though, I had more opportunities to get laid whilst that was going on, more than I would ordinarily.

My little ONS guy and I do not talk anymore, dude is as stubborn as he is honest. I am slightly disappointed that he is being that way but you know, how does the saying go, 'one cannot have the cake and eat it'. I wanted to keep it sexual, he came around to that and he was unwilling to bend. I admire that but still... What happened.. Well....

After our one (and only encounter) we talked for a while and we arranged another one. My grandmother died, so the last thing on my mind was sex. He called and I told him but he did not believe me, I guess he thought I'd make that up, just to get outta having sex with him, lol. What's the English for 'No thanks again?' Anways, I suggested we meet up in central London, since I still wanted to see him, I suggested we just talk and hang out. He then threw my earlier line in my face 'I have friends babe, we don't need to hang out' I must admit I was rather tickled when he said that... But dude said, there was no way he could come to central London, he just could not be bothered but that I must come over to his house.... Now, let me just state for the record, I could fly to Paris in the same time it takes me to get to his house. The whole episode was quite silly really and it is a shame in some ways, I was beginning to like him. That was the last day we spoke but we are still friends on FB.

Now, I have sorta decided to be a good a girl from now on. I know I can fuck, if that is what I want, but somehow, the novelty has worn off.... From Saccharine Royalty to now, I have done a bunch of things I cannot write about, I took a break to put some things in perspective and now, sex is great, bloody hell it is but it is not the be all... Right. :-)

As part of my support Naija effort, I bought 'The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives' I am yet to read it... But yeah, support your own folks...

That's all, this is all over the place, as is customary now. I try to cover as many things as possible..

The soundtrack to this; 'Princesses Nubiennes' by Les Nubians, I told you all how I feel about this album.

Stay well.

Disappointments et al.

2010-04-08T22:33:00.002+01:00

It has been a long time since I have done this! The thought has crossed my mind on several occasions but between then and now, I have not been in the right mental space.

Anyway, here we are. I had the worst news ever today, strangely enough though, I am not too cut up about it. Here is what happened; yours truly got interviewed for her dream job at an investment bank, as some of you may know, I am a compliance analyst, blah blah. So, this job was basically me in charge of my own case load and reclassifying some clients that had been erroneously classified plus redesigning the compliance process, in short, it was my dream job!!!!!! So, I got the job, as I knew I would when I walked into the interview (I am not tryna brag but you know how you sometimes just get that feeling?.)

First round interview went very well, second round interview, even better. Got a call later that day tell me I had this highly paid, semi autonomous position. I was more than pleased. This all happened last week. I was supposed to start on Wednesday.....

So, on Tuesday morning, I get a call telling my start date had been moved up to Monday because they needed to sort out entry passes and a desk and all that. I was like 'cool, this'll give me more time to prepare for it'. I felt pretty relaxed about the whole thing, I got another call asking me if I'd be interested in another position, with a small investment firm, not quite as fancy as the first one and it did not pay as well. My first instinct was to tell them I had a job and to turn it down but something told me not to, so I did not. I told them yes and that I would be available on Monday 12th of April for interview.

So today, I was cleaning my room, playing jazz, just feeling really chilled, my phone rings. It's the HR people from the first job and the conversation went something like so. 'Ms. L7, we are sorry to inform you that the project you were hired for has been discontinued, the department could not get the increased budget approved' I was quiet for a while, then I thanked her. Now, I cannot say I was surprised, the whole thing was just too good to be true! I feel odd but not devastated but I really gotta thank whichever God it was that gave me the foresight not to turn down the second interview! I have had some time to think about it and I am totally mellow now, I have accepted it as one of those things that happen.

It has been a weird month. My grandmother died, I will write about that in more detail later.

Also, the dude that I fooled around with, well, lets just there is a little more to the story, I will write more about that later too.

I am seriously horny these days though. It has been going on for about a week. I am being teased mercilessly by someone and it is driving me bonkers! I am talking pictures, text messages, emails and all sorts. I feel like saying 'STOP' but I really like it. It's a schizophrenic kinda situation.

I have been listening to a lot of music lately, in between tryna write my novel and rekindling friendships and all at that. I will post my new favourite joint below. I am thinking about doing a whole post on music and how it affects me.

Kai, someone needs to talk to this promiscuous brain of mine. Apart from lusting after the one who is teasing me, there is also someone else. But this case get part two sha, dis one na real wait and see. The guy tink say he fit buss my head but lai lai, dat one no be my portion! He thinks he has found a maga but I plan to teach him a real Gidi style lesson... He thinks I am one of the small girls he can lie to! I for cut de guy off ehn but I dey gbadun his story telling. I have him saved as 'TBM' (Tales By Moonlight) in my phone. Kai, the guy can lie! We'll see sha, I'll keep you all posted.

My song of the moment, I love, love this joint. It's by Aloe Blacc and it is called 'I Need A Dollar' The video is also a work of art, it's an old school kinda song and dude sounds real desperate, like he means what he is saying, he needs that dollar damn it! Props to my boy Mickey Kane for the heads up.

I gotta jet, take care all.

One Night Stands and complications.

2010-03-10T20:34:00.005Z

How do women approach one night stands, I mean, the question that is really on my mind is, what is the best way to have a one night stand? Is it best to do it with a complete stranger or should one seek out someone one is familiar with? I do not know the best answer but I will write from experience.

So, I had a ons once. It was not your typical ons because, me being me, I had to plan everything down to the last climax, lol. Anyways, he and I made plans, we talked and the big day came around. I made my way over to his place, let me tell you, dude lived really far, it took a me a long time to get to his. On the way there, all kinds of thoughts went through my mind on, would I be attracted to him? Would he be clean? I mean my biggest fear was that we would be sexually incompatible and let me just say, that would not have funny at all! I had this thought in my head of him being really small, I mean we had exchanged pictures but pictures lie, photoshop and all that. I also had this fear that he would be without imagination, seriously, I thought about all kinds of off putting things.

I must say, I was not immediately attracted to him, he is a nice looking guy, not too tall, slim and very clean. I just did not feel a spark straight away, I am hard to please sometimes, lol. To cut the long story short, we did the deed. (May I say he has the nicest equipment I have ever seen, my fear about him being small proved to be foolish! I wish I could show you all a picture, lol! It is perfect, I told him as much)

Now, I had a good time and he is good company. The problem is, we did not just have sex and leave it at that, we have since kept in touch and we send the odd text here and there. The complications that I think could arise are (1) I like him mildly, he is honest and he is very passionate about things he likes. Also he has a this crazy sex drive and he is a freak! (2) I think he might like me. This sounds a little conceited and I know if he ever reads this he'll agree but I get the feeling he does (3). we have talked about things that are outside my carefully constructed boundaries.

All this sounds like I am over thinking things but, I have a lot of time on my hands these days, so... Also, he was my first ons and I have since concluded that I think I can do it without it being a big deal, at least I think so. Before, I found it hard to reconcile my sexual and intellectual halves but now, I am very comfortable with being a thinking being who has no problems with sleeping with whomever takes her fancy (lol, I am not quite an Ashawo yet though.)

Finally, we plan to do it again, he might cook for me, the last time we got some pizza, fucked, smoked, fucked some more, smoked again, I got up, had a shower and I bounced. Actually, that makes me sounds like a pro, which I am not! But, yeah, he is a nice guy and maybe it'll be better if he was a bit of an asshole. Eh?

See, I have found out that I can like one person and sleep with someone else. I am more of a sexual being that I gave myself credit for! I do maintain that I am not crazy about sex though, it creeps up on me once in a while and I have to have it.

I spoke with my ex about this and he thinks I am tryna be like a man, why pray tell is it alright for a man to think with a penis and I can't think with my vagina? I must let it be known that my heart is not attached to my nether region, I have discovered that and I plan to milk it until I fall in love (I am not too optimistic where that is concerned).

I do not know what this sexual awakening is about and I am not trying to say I am the flyest chick out there but I have had opportunities, with men as well as women, but I had been emotionally hamstrung (as a result of expectations I placed on myself) and now, I am just so bloody nonchalant about it, it's as exhilarating as it is scary.

Okay, I am sorry it has been a while, I have been going through some things, I will write about some of them soon.

Start to Finish et al

2010-02-08T22:02:00.006Z

I am happy! I do not know why but it is a rare day I get home from work and I am not completely drained. So, I had an interesting weekend, but you know there are some stories one cannot tell without speaking on things other people might not want you to speak about? Outta respect for the other party I won't speak on it. That makes me a kinda tease right? I do apologise for that. :-)

How sexy is honesty? I find it such a strong turn on, especially in men. I think a lot of women swear that they want it and then find that they'd rather be with the guy that spins tales about everything. I would rather be with the 'starving artist' type than a guy who flashes wads of cash about, there is something inherently dishonest about ostentatious displays of wealth. I do not mind bus hopping and watching pirate films, just keep it real with me, I can take it. This is by no means me suggesting that only poor or average men can be honest, this is just my experience. I was just thinking about this on Sunday. I like passion, I do not mean rip each other's clothes off kinda passion (though that'll be wonderful) I mean a passion for something or someone. I like listening to people talk about their passions, watching their expressions, I find that rather moving

So, I think I mentioned that I bought some audio books? The crazy thing is how disappointed I am with one of them. 'Half of a yellow sun' by C.N. Adichie is one of my favourite books. I bought the audio thinking I could enjoying it while reviewing some work. To my dismay, the lady doing the reading makes Nigerians sound like deaf Kenyans! What is it about the West and how they think of Africans, I mean I know that different Nigerians have disparate accents depending on where they come from, but she was so far off. I wrote the website a letter, I figured I'd alert them to their gross error, no use in just complaining about it right? I could not listen to the whole thing, the accent just threw me. Things like that are disrespectful as far as I am concerned.

I have had this song on repeat for the past hour, I do that sometimes. It's called 'Love Nwantinti' by H-Man. (he happens to be one of my favourite Naija artists. 'Ndoli Ndoli pt.2 and 'Uwadiwe' are great songs that you should all check out)

I liked how H-Man looked like a 'nerd in love' he is rather adorable especially that little speech impediment he has.

I am off to watch 'Big Love' now.

L.

Tongue Kissing, Yay or Nay? (S.R. contd)

2010-02-02T21:20:00.002Z

Okay, it turns out SR is stubborn. I usually like stubbon, it make me more determined to get my own way but his is a different case. He is the biggest tease in the entire universe. Of course he'll disagree but that does not change the fact! After driving me nuts about this whole 'no libido' thing, he came around, at least I think he did, I am not entirely sure. Let me give you all a sample of you textual conversation.

L: I want you to understand we won't fuck tomorrow but maybe Saturday?

SR: Saturday seems nice, if my libido returns before then that is

L: SR, forget you abeg. I don't like being toyed with. This whole libido thing is boring now, I am so bored of it.

SR: But it's not on purpose now. L, 'tell you what, you just show up that day, if we don't fuck good, if we do, even better.

I did not get back to him for a while because I was busy, then he writes...

SR: So, we doing this or what?

L: SR, you are toying with me and it is boring now. If I come to your place, it'll be for one thing only. I have friends babe, we don't need to hang out. If you are not down for that then let's draw a line under it, no harm, no foul.

SR: So maybe it's time you called me then? Lets talk this through

L: No, SR, I will not be blackmailed into calling you! I am looking for a guy that can do it ofuma ofuma. I thought we could do that but it seems you wanna play with me and I am too horny for mind games.

SR: Lmao. Nah babes, just call. Please?

L: No, I won't. When you make up your mind, let me know.

SR: Na wa o

L: Hmmn, I feel like I have pressurised you unduly. Give your libido some time to recover and if it ever does, we can resume our plans.

SR: It's the way you're going about it though. I wanna fuck, yes but I can gbadun your.... Fuck it! You know what? I'm fucking. Lemme know when. Don't wanna seem like I am catching feelings.

So, it seemed we back to the same page, then today? Lol!

(The above is all verbatim, no editing has been done)

Why is it the fact that I do not like tongue kissing bothers you? Is tongue kissing a necessary part of sex? If you like using your tongue so much, trust me, I can find certain spots on my body that'll appreciate it.

The thought of a tongue in mouth makes me sick, literally. I hate it, I love kissing though, I love being kissed by someone who will do it how I like it done. I am trying to give you clues so we both have a good time.

It appears this is a non negotiable point for you, as it is for me. So I guess that is it then. To think I picked out lingerie, whatta waste.

Oh! Nice Anon, you made a comment that I might like him, he read it and told me the same thing like 'oh I think you're falling for me' It is your fault o!

So I guess this chapter is closed.

Randoms and Saccharine Royalty contd..

2010-01-30T14:05:00.000Z

I am very happy right now, certain are starting to fall in to place. So, here I am here cheesing like I won something. Last night, I could not sleep, long Friday, so I decided to record an audio blog. I did not have the time to re record it, so I sound rather halting, I apologise. Also, I was rather tired. I am off to watch 'Avatar' with my brother.

Your Saccharine Highness (contd..)

2010-01-18T20:35:00.001Z

You called! Why did you do that? You have to know that I have rules. Rules you cannot break. I could have ignored your call but that would have been juvenile. Did you find out what 'Subjective' means? I like smart guys, even if only for one night. Do not call me again, let's keep it textual.

Until then, keep your nails short and your jogging bottoms clean.

L.

Inspirement, et al.

2010-01-10T01:11:00.004Z

I decided to give into my muse. I am so damned lazy about blogging, but here I am on a Saturday night, at home because it so damned cold. I have all kinds of thoughts swimming in my head but I shan't bore you all and myself. I did, as a result of my boredom, buy some cool things today. Firstly, I got this: ‘A Christmas Carol' I am a sucker for French films, this one was complicated and beautiful. I would recommend it

Then I bought these! They are the best headphones under £100 that I have ever owned and I have about six pairs at home. I would recommend these to anyone who is looking for a good cheap pair of 'phones. They set me back just under £25. Worth the dough and a lot more, for real. Koss PortaPro headphones, would most definitely recommend!

After those purchases, I got a satchel. I had been looking for one for the longest, my sister, who is the fashion queen in my house, suggested Urban Outfitters and I found this little gem, it's very me, I dunno how so but once I saw it, I was like 'Yes!'.

Next, I got some books, I buy a book every week. This week I bought two audio books and one regular book. I try to show love to my Naija artists, so, I bought, in audio, 'Things Fall Apart' (which I have read a thousand times but hearing the book in audio was a wonderful experience), 'Half Of A Yellow Sun' by Chimamanda Adichie (I cannot tell you how much I love this woman, words fail me. Have I even mentioned that what I find most attractive about a person is intelligence? Not in the conventional 2+2 sense either, I like someone that can provoke thought, someone that can make me re-assess things I was sure about. That makes me wet...) and 'Everything Good Will Come' by Sefi Atta.

The blog tittle is inspired by the CultureCynic. I dig her blog majorly*, I am very far from fashionable but I really dig how she does her thing. Who knows, maybe yours truly will put up some pics. Er, okay, no! I have a very eclectic style, (at the risk of sounding rather clichéd) I am a girly tomboy, (I do not know how to explain that, you just have to meet me to figure it out.) so, I guess that is reflected in the way I dress. I oughta make more of an effort, it'll make my mother very happy, actually, I think she just wants me to wear make-up. I have nothing against it, it's just not me.

I am inspired right now because I am snowed in but I have found a film to watch! I am out, stay blessed all.

The soundtrack to this latest entry is 'Black Summer's Night' by Maxwell

* Plus, she has a very alluring mouth.

Your Saccharine Highness.

2010-01-04T22:28:00.001Z

Hello all.

It has been a while, the hiatus was necessary as I had some things to take care of. I hope all is well with everyone. I have three things to get off my chest today. (1) The Saccharine Royal (2) Break-ups and (3) Nigeria. In that order exactly. I have so busy with work, goodness, Christmas was boring, the day after I went to my boy Johnny's place, it was his birthday, myself and Mac got silly drunk, see, I do not do hard liquor but I went too far and my head paid for it the next day. I met Johnny's girl friend and I really like her. May I just say how much of a relief it is to actually like my friend's GF? She is intelligent, friendly and good for him, she also strikes me as someone who would not put up with his bullshit and that is all right with me. .. Okay topic one.

Saccharine Royalty

This is about a certain person in the blogosphere, will please accept my apology. My Blackberry developed a fault and the number you have has been on voicemail and since we're not trying to get all personal, I decided not to email you. I have sent the phone in for repairs, in the mean time keep your nails short and your jogging bottoms clean, you may just be richly rewarded for it... I ran into an ex of mine, I told him what I had planned with you, he dared me to do it, if I do and I tell my ex, would that make a some kinda weirdo? Would you feel used?

Break-ups

I am currently heart broken! My Co-D is not talking to me. I never thought I could miss someone that I am not romantically involved with as much as I miss her. I am of little doubt that we'll talk again but that fact is immaterial right now, someone please knock some sense in to this girl's head. I know she loves me, I know she misses me, but I also know that she won't call me! This is one of the rare situations where I have to put my foot down and not call, I will readily admit that I am stubborn, but this situation is not about that, it is about respect and trust. I am tired of having to prove that I care, it is very taxing on my system.

Nigeria

I love this country, yes, I had to move abroad in order to realise that but I do love this country. I am really scared for it right now, it seems we are hurtling towards some major crises. I do not want the country to break up nor do I want any kind of political unrest but I guess the latter might be necessary, the former gives me nightmares that keep me awake for hours on end. I need to put my money where my mouth is and move home, we need to start that political action group, ASAP!

De-laid!

2009-12-06T21:00:00.006Z

So, I am sorry that I have not posted in while, my new (old) job is taking a lot out of me. Now, about my title, this is the long and short of it, I need to get laid. There, I said it! The need announced itself to me at work when I started looking at my colleague in a funky manner. This dude is just your average Joe, nothing particularly sexy about him but such is my need. It has been a long time, longer than I want to admit, lol. I always imagine that I will find someone attractive and just hop into bed but as much as I want that to be the case, it is just not me. I have found myself in situations where I can do a whole lot sans getting naked with someone I have no emotional connection with. By this I do not mean I have to be in love, no. I just have to know more than the person's name, that's all.

So, ladies and gentlemen, how do I solve a problem like this? I do not not want a relationship right now, I do not have much to offer someone, I am tryna get myself together, but I do want to have wild passionate sex. I want to talk first, watch a football game after, pick up my hand bag and head out, no strings attached, no feelings caught.

I know some people will read this roll and their eyes on some 'this girl is an ashewo*' tip, lol. Lemme just make it clear now, I do not care, this blog is all about me being honest about where I'm at and what I'm feeling, so please do not quote the bible to me, abeg! I really do believe that one's libido is like a car, it has to be serviced, tested and satiated.

I do not have a particularly crazy sex drive, as a matter of fact, I can go months without giving a damn but when I get into my zone, hmmn, let's just say, Viagra has nothing on me.

Anyways, I do not want to beat this to death, I believe you all catch my gist, so, if you have any ideas, drop me a line.

I am listening to 'Nwata' by Flavour, it is the perfect soundtrack to accompany my rather amorous mood.

* = Prostitute, Ho'. Whore, Puta, etcetera

New city and a little something

2009-11-15T00:56:00.005Z

I am a happy bunny! It's weird but I have not felt this way in while. Yours truly spent a part of last week in Birmingham on business (lol, I feel rather cheeky saying that but it is true) I was in a lovely hotel in the city centre, and it got me thinking, here I am in this room, this double bed going to waste, no action. No 6'3' Adonis to make it beautiful for me. I have to do more of that this coming week, I will be working in Birmingham from Monday through Friday, it's nice to get outta London, I love the city but new things can be inspiring. I wrote this little piece some time ago and I am feeling rather generous right now, so I'll share.

The truth from ?

The lies come

Frequently and seldom leave

I am not one of many,

Not even one a few

No clues

Or a seven page manual

On how to - deconstruct me

But you,

So keen to test the waters

Glass in hand

Ready to drink at the confluence of my

Blood sweat and tears.

Come again.

Marriage and me?

2009-11-08T23:35:00.002Z

Sundays have this rather odd effect on me, I always end up in this weird reflective mood, this Sunday is no different. Anyway, Manchester United lost a match today, I am working on weaning myself off football. So, I am back to banking, in fact, I am back at the bank that I worked at before. This is not good. Let me, be honest, I am glad to be making so money, but this can't be it, surely?

So, enough about that. My cousin's wedding got me thinking about what marriage means and if I see myself in such an institution. I have never been able to picture myself in that space, being married with 2.4 children. The idea appeals to me though, I want to make my mother (especially) happy and I know she dreams of a life for us that she was not able to live. But, am I willing to commit to something so life altering because I want her to be proud? I am not so sure now. I want to be happy, I want to travel, without being encumbered by family ties and societal expectations. If the right guy comes along and I fall madly in love with him, and I find myself in that space,then I will do it. I just know that being married is not on the list of things to tick off before I turn thirty. As a Nigerian female, I know what the expectations are and I do wonder sometimes if I will be brave enough to do what suits me. I am pretty convinced (I did a lot soul searching on this) that a marriage is supposed to be about the two people in it, if one goes into it tryna make other people happy, the whole thing is already doomed.

When I was younger, I used to think it was because I was afraid I would not be able to submit to anyone (that is still the truth) but now I know it is because I am yet to see an example of a marriage that makes me want to get married. I do not like the arrangement between most of the couple I have seen. Of course, each couple have to find their own groove and my idea of a an equitable union is not other people's, this much I know but, when most of examples are Nigerian and the woman is expected to, how do I put it, understand that certain things are inevitable, it makes me feel funny. Of course, I salute these women and their never ending endurance but I do not see myself being able to do the same. Is it the curse of my Western upbringing? Because so many people would lead us to believe that Nigerian couples rarely break up and this why our children are better behaved than European children. I do no agree with that line of thought. I remember what was expected of me as a child in Nigeria and I would never put my child(ren) through some of it. With that said, I would ideally like to raise my child in a two parent home, but hey, if I end up as a lone parent, I'll be fine. My aunt who raised me (She is the most formidable woman I know) is a single parent, she did it with love, she has the kind of strength that only makes sense to me now, if I can acquire a modicum of that at some point in my life, I will be a happy bunny. Oh, there is also this other idea that no one really is a single parent in Naija, I guess there is some truth in this. We had my uncle living with us and my paternal grand mother also lived about ten minutes away, and there were lots of relatives ready to correct us here and there, (Lagos Island is a really small place). So, I guess the proverbial village did raise me...

I have to be at work rather early tomorrow, there are tons of contracts I have to read, (this is what I do for a living, in a nutshell. Of course they make it sound fancy but hey).
I am currently listening to 'The Joshua Tree' by U2

It's been a while.

2009-10-23T02:09:00.002+01:00

I am sorry about the hiatus, I have been away but not gone, as some folks will know.

I would like to stress that I cannot wait for this year to be over. It has been odd. I have definitely learned some things. Do you know that being creative can be a curse (at the risk of sounding conceited). There are many things that I can do, too many. The problem for me is that I need to figure out which nail to hammer. As I have mentioned before (I think) I got made redundant earlier this year, I was sad and relieved at the same time. Banking pays handsomely but it does not speak to my soul, I am an idealist like that, what ever it is I end up doing, has to make my heart hum. So, here in lies the dilemma. In the past seven months, I have started a book, a film and I am still working on my Tv project, I do not know which one I would like to concentrate my energies on, I enjoy doing all these things. Ah, it is driving me mad. I want to be less interested, less inclined to indulge myself in my many interests. Does this sound like I am kvetching about nothing?

Oh, as an aside, my cousin is getting married on Saturday and I have been forced to spend fifty pounds on the Aso Ebi. I am very annoyed about that, I feel cheated. I love my cousin, he is a nice enough guy but I feel dude ought to have saved some more money towards this occasion. I am getting fleeced and I am supposed to be happy about it? I asked my mother why it is compulsory for me to wear the Ankarra, and she asked me why I make it my mission to be difficult. Imagine! Not only do I have to pay 10 times (by my own estimation) what the fabric is worth, I also have to pay the seamstress. Now, her case is another matter entirely. I asked her how much it is for her to sew me a dress, nothing too elaborate (as I have no plans to wear this dress again). She says 'oh, my sister, pay what you think I deserve' Now, see me see trouble, how does one even begin to make sense of that. See rock, see hard place and yours truly is bang in the middle. I'll either pay her too little (and look like a tight fisted git) or I'll pay too much (and she'll think she's found a maga). I have to go try on the dress tomorrow, I think then I'll decide if being a git is better than being a maga.

I am happy that my blogging muse chose tonight to pay me a visit, I missed the whole it. Right now, I am listening 'Choklate' by Choklate.

Independence day...

2009-10-01T15:32:00.002+01:00

It has been a while, I am sorry. I had to post today, I am many things but chief amongst those is a Nigerian. I am proud of that fact, I love the country, the people, its sights and sounds. I wish you all a happy independence day. We are not perfect, we have a long way to go but we'd get much faster if we all do our bit.

This short.

2009-09-02T23:36:00.004+01:00

This is a just a quick post, I came across this short the other day, it's called 'Place des Fetes' and it left me breathless for many reasons, chief among them being Aissa Maiga. If you have time, watch it and tell me what you think. It's about five minutes or so. I think I am turning into some sorta Francophile, hmmn.

My Island tongue.

2009-08-28T13:06:00.002+01:00

Hello all, hope you have all been keeping well. It has been a hectic fortnight for me, I have finally made up mind now, I am going to move to Naija permanently, I will expound on this another time. Anyways, I have been tryna put some things in place to make that easier for me. Hopefully, I will have some things to post up on my blog after this weekend.

Now, I was reading Original Mgbeke's post about the fact that she cannot speak nor understand much Igbo. I must say I was very surprised, hers is one of few blogs that is so Nigerian, it makes me miss home. I guess one cannot reach too many conclusions from blogs.

I am torn on this, my siblings cannot speak Yoruba either, they understand it perfectly, even different dialects and accents, but because they do not say the words, they only hear them, they find it very hard to speak the language. I am the only one who can speak it well, (I might make an audio blog in Yoruba soon, lol) I guess that is because I was born in Naija and they were not. I am from Lagos Island and as much as my aunt, who raised me, wanted us to be proficient in English, she ensured that we could speak Yoruba and write it. My attachment to my culture cannot be divorced from my understanding of my language, I love the tones, the adages, the flexibility and how one word can mean many things depending on how one says it.

I must say, I enjoy speaking English, I was told my first words were in English, as a result of hours spent watching Sesame Street. I try to make sure I speak it well, proper tense, correct grammar and all that.

I think Nigerian cultures will die a slow death the way things are going, so many young Nigerians, even ones in Nigeria, will tell you that they cannot speak their mother tongue, I read about one of these actors, Tontoh Dike (she is Ikwere) saying she because she was raised in PH she cannot speak her mother tongue, only English and Pidgin. I mean! When I was coming up, my closest friends, Bassey and Chidi, would gladly speak Yoruba to us and then switch to their own mother tongue when they were with their families and speak English at the evening classes, those kids were lucky mehn. Imagine, there are some Lagosians that can speak FOUR languages, maybe not perfectly but still.

I just find it rather sad that so many Nigerians would rather speak someone else's language to their children and to make matters worse, they speak it imperfectly, when they can express themselves perfectly in their own language. We oughta take a leaf out of the Indians' book. I have never, ever, met an Indian person or an Asian person for that matter that cannot speak their own language, what is it about them? If one loses one's tongue, one's culture will die, that is just the long and short of it.

As a result of my childhood, I mixed with Nigerians from different parts of the country, I know some Igbo words (the cuss words obviously) and I have an interest in the culture. I must confess I do not know much about my Island culture, because it is different from wider Yoruba culture. It is a mixture of Bini and Yoruba and I do not know enough about it, I am trying to find out.

My latest thing is learning Pidgin, it is going well because I realised that it is not rigid in form, Lagos Pidgin is mostly Yoruba translated down to its most literal form, so 'you no (dey) hear word' (which in standard English would be, 'you do not listen) in Yoruba is 'O kĺn gbÒ rÒ' or 'no follow me do dat kin ting' is a literal translation from 'ma ba mi se iru kan be (yen). Okay, my Pidgin is not yet perfect but since I have realised this little fact, it is coming to me. I also spend a lot of time listening to Wazobia FM.

So, you can all imagine my joy about the music scene in Naija, they way the singers and rappers sprinkle their lyrics with their own language, I love it. 9ice, Raw, Da Grin.... these are artists that I dig for that reason. I know everyone digs M.I right now, not me though, I find dude too western.

Now that is over.... I got the cleaning bug and I decided to re-arrange my books, that is a picture of my favourite shelf.

Les portes du souvenir

2009-08-13T18:25:00.003+01:00

I know you all know about my fascination with Koko Mansion, I watched it incessantly for three week, the chick I wanted to win, Shona, did not win. I was disappointed but the show got me through the boredom that threatened to swallow me whole. I mentioned KM because I am amazed at how conservative Nigeria still is. It is a thing of permanent frustration to me that a lot of Naija people, mine included, do not seem to understand that humans do not roll off an assembly line with the same thoughts, desires, likes and dislikes. I think I liked Shona because she struck me as defiant, her dread locks, her tom boyishness, I found it all endearing (*) but it also made me sad, I knew she could never win such a show. The (seemingly) docile woman is still held up as ideal for all Nigerians to aspire to, ah!

I am still evolving as a thinking and feeling being and one of the greatest joys of my life is being exposed to different people from all over the world, I was a child when it occurred to me that I hated sweet things, I mentioned it to someone and they thought I was abnormal. My mouth has propelled me into a lot of sticky situations, I cannot tell you how many frog jumps and 'close your eyes and raise your hands' hours I had to endure because of my big mouth.. As if the big mouth was not enough, I was afflicted with some sorta blind courage....

When I was eight, I was accused of being a witch, it was a funny experience for me because I orchestrated the whole thing. I was in boarding school, we had Saturday service and the youth group leader advised us that anyone who had dreams about meat, raw or cooked, should step forward. Now, I must confess I had no such dreams but I am that cat, so I stepped forward, just me! Imagine, the entire YG were wimps, anyway, she took me to me to the head mistress, I cannot remembered exactly what was discussed but I was informed that I, the star pupil in bible study, was a witch, I wanted to laugh, instead I cried and walked of to my room. I had this affliction as a child to speak when I knew it would have been better to be quiet, anyways, as a result of all this rubbish, I was given a letter asking me to not come back to school. My uncle came, threatened to sue the school and the matter was dropped. I finished school a year later and I do not recall anyone else being accused of being a witch. Maybe I did something good, I do not know, it could have been terrible for me, but I had that foolish courage as a child...

I do not know what opened these doors of memory but it was one of the most poignant events of a rather eventful girlhood and I am thankful I do still remember.

Right now, I am enjoying the beautiful sounds of Les Nubians, their first album, Princesses Nubiennes, would be one of my five dessert island discs. This video is of my favourite song on the album.

....Be mused.

2009-08-03T00:53:00.002+01:00

Sunday night and I got an unexpected visit from my muse. I am over my little flu situation so, thank you for all the good wishes.

I have nothing on my mind, I spent the whole day (feel free to shake your head in disgust, lol) watching 'Koko Mansion'. I am thoroughly hooked on the show, It finishes on Sunday which is fine by me, I want Shona to win but anyone but Rita will be okay.

I got through my charity work on Friday, they got me a bottle of cava, which I was thrilled about, I drank it all by myself, my tolerance for alcohol has shot up, I have been consuming more...

Now, whilst I was laid up recovering from my little situation, I read a couple of books, the most notable one being Staceyanne Chin's autobiography, I was so disappointed I almost cried, I was very excited when I got the book but it was poorly written and it just left me upset. I sorta gave up on books for the week.

I do not know if I have mentioned it on the blogosphere but I am doing a show, young Nigerians discussing topical issues, we are recording on Saturday, if it turns out well, I will put it up. Eventually I want to go back home, I am from a small Island in Naija, and all this city life business might just be too much for me, so I got to catch my share of fish. If you have any ideas about things that are worth talking about, please drop me a line.

I mentioned 6'3 a while back, I must announce that that situation is officially dead, dude likes Oyibo women ONLY! Imagine my dismay when it finally dawned on me, I am alright about it now though I must say that I should have known but such was the attraction I had to him that I ignored it, he has been the inspiration behind many late nights but no more, that is not to say if I had the chance I'd turn him down..Lol. I get crushes rather easily and I already have another, I cannot write about that one unfortunately,because L will go all out, lol. It's all good, I might find a good way to talk about it in some sorta abstract manner, so as to give no clues about the sexiness of which I speak....

Oh, I have a small request to make, I am willing to do something in return, of course it has to be within reason, I would ask someone to kindly hook me up with a play list of Naija love songs. I am on my Naija thing hard right now.

My younger sister discovered Fela, by this I mean she has now decided that likes him after many Sundays of complaining about Pops' Afro jams. So for the past three days, She has had 'I no be gentleman' on repeat, it is driving me up the wall but I am rather encouraged by her interest in, shows that my years of trying is paying off.

I am very impressed by Sugarbelly, she is amazing, if you have not visited her blog, I suggest you do asap.

Stay blessed all,

When pigs flu.

2009-07-14T20:33:00.003+01:00

I got this bloody swine flu thing, I have been confined to my private quarters at home, the family is running from me. I am rather amused by the whole thing. See, I never panic when I get any sort of ailment, I do not visit the GP, I would usually wait for the whole things to blow over.

On Friday, I woke up feeling less that normal but because I had planned to go see a film, that is what I did, after work. I was shivering like hell but I did not care, we watched '35 Shots of rum', it was slow but beautiful. I got home and I was stricken by the worse pain in the head I had ever experienced. I ran to my bed and then stared at the ceiling and I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up on Saturday feeling marginally better, so I went out to the little picnic at work, it rained so I did not stay for long. Instead of taking myself home like I should have, no, that would have been to sensible. I decided to go out with the boys to Notting Hill with the boys and I had copious amounts of alcohol and smoked more than I should have (well considering I was supposed to be an ex smoker... those pictures are proof of the fact that I am a glutton for punishment. First pic is Yours truly, E.Q. and Pete).

Oh as well as cooking for the boys, I went to Ruby's with E.Q. and Pete. The former took me out and but I could not taste the food, which probably led me to drink more. Then she and I went back to the boys and chilled, she left and I drank some more. I did all this in one day! So, imagine how I felt when I got in at 4am.

I am also feeling mildly guilty because I might have passed this bloody thing on to other people....

Anyways, after three days of waking up in a pool of sweat, I finally took myself in and I was told I had the dreaded H1N1. I am relived that it was not some unheard of virus that was wrecking havoc on my body.

I am almost well now, so......

The really annoying part about this is the light aversion and constant drowsiness.

I gotta go, the soundtrack to the entry is 'Wonder' by Katie Reider, great album, you all should check it out. She died a year ago today.

Oh, would anyone care to suggest a good book or film to me, I might be laid up for a while longer..

6'3 and randoms.

2009-07-05T20:40:00.005+01:00

It has been a while and I am feel bad about that, my aim is to put up a new post least once a week. Anyway, I have been rather busy lately, been catching up with my 'Nigerian-ess'. What does that entail I hear you ask, well, consuming copius amounts of this show called 'koko mansion'. I am still tryna work out what it is I think of the show. I do know that I am pleased that it dispelled the idea that I had about young Nigerian women. A lot of them are articulate and vivacious, I like that. I have even found a favourite, I do not know her name, she has dreads and she is very outspoken. That is what I think, prima facie, on the other hand, I am somewhat embarassed by the show, it is anathema to everything I stand for, the idea of women as a commodity, it sorta worries me that our collective identity will be swamped in this rush to be more western.

Something that excited me though was a prominent Nigerian journalist getting smacked down by Banky W. I am not fan of his but Mr. W. showed that there is a lot of verve in the youth, it is often channelled through the only way young Nigerians can safely express themselves and that is music.........but damn, dude got smacked down and I loved it.

I am lusting after Roger Federer right now, he has he nicest calves I have seen in a while.

I took part in a fund raiser for the charity I work with, they had me sing, now, you have all heard my talking voice, so it's easy to imagine what I sing like, I tried to tell the woman but she would not listen. Anyway, I got up there and did my thing, they applauded and told me how well I sang, but that is the thing with oyibo people, I can never tell when they are being honest.

I was thinking about my crush, I might have mentioned him a few times before, let's just call him 6'3......... This FB thing is crazy, I saw some pictures of dude with some of his friends and there was not a black person in sight.....That worries me, it made me rather sad actually. Granted my feeling for him extend no further than his body, I do not have a right to feel sad about that one way or the other but I do. I looked at the pictures, pale hands on his chest, his hands in blonde hair and this thought popped into my head, 'he's tryna run his fingers through someone's hair, spontaneous showers and all. And it's obvious, he ain't thinking about me' . I know people tend to think of lust as something superficial, but this is not the case. This is lust that leaves me breathless with want, I really want him to have me. I am prepared to be told how crazy I am, I have no feeling for him whatsoever, I know we won't talk about the merits of abstract art or argue about Bird or Coltrane but there is just something about the way he wears his shirts and how he smells, the image that invades my mind when I think of him is not safe to write here, there is a small chance that someone who know him reads this (I am not a fan of censorship but I am being careful with this one). He is the only guy that I know I will proposition should the chance arise.

Man, you really should check out Maxwell's new album, I have had it on repeat for the past couple of week, it is pure flames.

The soundtrack to this entry is 'Electric Relaxation' by ATCQ.

I am off to take a cold shower, see, I just gotta write about 6'3 and voila.......

Guiness

2009-06-21T18:45:00.005+01:00

I was in bed, reading some news when my muse hit me... I had to get the words of out my mind (if you write, you'll know what I mean) I hit record and the below is what came out, I refined it some but it remains largely as I thought it. I left in my little errors, I thought I captured it the way I wanted to and I did not want to re-record it. I laid it over 'Flamenco Sketches' by Miles Davis

I have transcribed it, so read and/or listen, whichever pleases you most, I'd be happy for you to.

Be good.

P.s. thanks to Sugabelly, I found a nice and easy audio thingy...

Guiness

it happens in deserted streets,

in half naked boys opening bottles of that Irish black with jagged teeth

where beauty was quite within their reach but always out of their grasp

they make love in the back of abandoned cars

barely there back seats

coiled springs penetrate exposed flesh

bringing them closer to that white light

they don't dare sleep

this is where hope fears to tread

where those with hungry stomachs that barely feed

know that the living and the dead will eventually meet

this is pleasure unspoken

we had never known anything like this

ignoring the rustiness of our confines,

I want him

the jangling sounds of the loosening belt buckle

his sweaty skin on mine this right here is the proof

I am not above you

yes I reek of perfume and you're bathed in scents that the streets give you

I have no strength to run from this, nor do I want to

You know the danger reeled me in, I saw what most ignore

those eyes searching for a place within me that you can rest easy

and I am not talking of the juncture within my thighs

you were looking for a joy and I was brave enough to give

you took only that which was offered, you never reached for more

at first I was displeased, thinking you did not want me,

but I was mistaken

you were waiting to be led down back alleys, and open doors that I have no keys for

and I was surprised at the strength within myself

here I was, trying to rescue a nomad who willing embraced death

look, you'll wander no more, I'll guided to many oases

we'll face death and survive

he'll visit while we engage in this dance, a waltz, no salsa

our bodies moving on the two and four

you won't let me fall will you?

I am a stranger to these parts, I know nothing of your pain, you know I don't!

but still you hold me, this is a moment that you could never have dreamed

and I dare not remember it

it was just one of those of those nights

me, a stranger on streets that won't welcome me because I do not belong

and you a nomad lost, looking to be rescued

and some how we found each other,

we did.

©

Ruby slept not.

2009-06-13T21:00:00.002+01:00

Hello all. As the weeks go by, I realise just how little time I seem to get to myself. Anyways, as promised...

The VII(th) was wonderful, one of the best times I have had in a while and it was important for that to be the case, as documented, I had been feeling pretty low but the guys came through for me.

The above is me and two of my favourite women in the world, yours truly is in the middle and R23 on the left, E.Q., my co-d on the right. I chose the picture because it just sums up how happy I was. The boys were great and I felt like a princess. (my sis will kill me, so I gotta take down the pic soon) The soiree was at Ruby&Sequoia, very cool spot, if a little pretentious. I thought I'd hob nob it with the habitués of exclusive watering holes...

Oh, another totally random thing, I need to join the gym again, I could not get into my favourite pair of shorts today, not good. I am not a freak about my weight but this cannot be going down, summer is here and this is when looking one's best is mandatory.

I have been trawling the blogosphere and I came across a new favourite, this sister is beyond amazing, I am totally inspired by her. She has quickly become one of my most frequent stops in the virtual world. Sugarbelly is the name, check out her site, it is unreal.

I am going to Paris, a belated birthday present from E.Q. Let me tell you all, I am very excited but I feel Paris is somewhat cliché, but I intend to have a boat load of fun.

I have had no sleep since Thursday night, I hung out with Johnny after work yesterday, drinking copious amounts of rose, I woke up with a well deserved headache and I am still nursing it now. Drinking is really not that good.... I am off to make some coffee and I will try to catch up on some badly needed shut eye, I know caffeine is mean to have the opposite effect, but it soothes me and sleep comes easily when I am soothed...

Be well all.

My birthday today.... the VII(th)

2009-06-07T17:33:00.003+01:00

I had a ball last night and the body is still recovering. I will add to this later... I hope you all enjoy your birthdays.....

L.

Gulliver - via the red dot (audio post)

2009-05-28T00:44:00.001+01:00

Hello,

It's been a while, the keys on laptop are playing up. So, I decided to make an audio thing. I have missed you all....

I am listening to 'Vanilla Latte' by Katie Reider, it's really good, so check it out.

P.s. this was made before the final and you all know what happened there, I am not upset though, the best team won.

Be good,

L.

Gulliver - via the red dot from 'Fro-VII on Vimeo.

Origami days,

2009-05-19T00:27:00.004+01:00

Life is great now, the job is cool, I did not know that I had so much patience. I am currently nursing a crush that I know will go nowhere, dude is one of those brothers who only seem to like Caucasian women, so what's a sister to do? I cannot stop my heart from beating triple time when he moves and I can see the clear definition of muscles in his back, lol. I am gonna work on him, at least I'll try. I am not one for nursing silly crushes but there is something very interesting about him.

One of the kids made an origami rose today, it made me so happy, it said 'to Ms, thanks for helping me' (I will put up a picture later) these are the tangential things that make my days worthwhile.

I am in the middle of concluding my trilogy, so I'll post it up at some point this week. I cannot believe how much I missed the blogosphere, I do hope you guys are all good.

I am currently listening to 'Connected' by Foreign Exchange, they are great, there's a second album but the first is much better.

Stay blessed all.

L.

Where charity begins....

2009-05-09T12:35:00.003+01:00

I have been so busy this week, I barely had enough time to catch my breath. Over the past week, I have been made to realise just how lucky I am. The credit crunch took my job, a job that probably would have been a great career and I was feeling so sorry for myself. That was one of the reasons I started blogging.

I got a new job now, it is working with a charity for women, something I have always wanted to do. I have met some women and girls, in just a week, that have made me smile and made me thank God that I have my family and friends. I realise now that the career that I thought I was gonna have was just about me being safe, about doing what I supposed to do.

So, I am through with 'Compliance', I enjoyed it, I have a keen interest in the law and it's application but I am more interested in making a difference.

One of the girls asked me on Thursday, 'Miss, do you think you are happy?' I did not answer her, I just smiled, I am hoping the answer will be yes soon.

That's enough of this introspection, I am currently listening to 'Closer' by Kings of Leon, you should all check them out, they are pretty good.

L.

8 and things.

2009-04-30T00:34:00.001+01:00

So, I was tagged to do this 8 things meme by BSNC and Vic. No better time than now, so here it goes;

8 Things I look forward to

1. Starting my new job

2. Going to Valencia

3. My sister's 21st

4. Inglorious Basterds

5. Reading Toni Morrison's 'A Mercy'

6. Listening to Maxwell's new joint

7. Manchester United v. Arsenal

8. Falling in mad lust, again

8 Things I did yesterday.

1. Watched Man Utd v. Arsenal

2. Spent some time with my mother

3. Worked on my script

4. Read mad news on the 'net

6. Cooked with R23

7. Did some homework with little Brother

8. Hand washed some shirts

8 Things I wish to do.

1. Direct a Nollywood film

2. Open a shelter for women and girls in Lagos

3. Live in a beach house in Lagos

4. Doing Jury duty

5. Sleep with someone who can draw me outta my inhibitions

6. Own a Jean-Michel Basquiat painting

7. Get a star filled in my tatt

8. Go to Bahia and Havana

8 Shows I watch

1. The Wire

2. Damages

3. Mad Men

4. Big Love

5. Meet the Faith

6. Newsnight

7. ER

8. The Game

Right now, I am listening to Anthony Hamilton's latest, it is fire! I am down with this voice exchange thing, so let's get it on and popping.

Audio post, L-VII and R23.

2009-04-26T14:41:00.001+01:00

I succumbed to the audio thing (after a million tries, it worked). It is basically a mini conversation with my sister, R23. She and I discussed inter racial relationships. So, listen and tell me what you think. Be nice!!!!

Honesty meme, L's version.

2009-04-24T02:55:00.003+01:00

I was tagged to do this 'Honesty' thing by Phoneparazzi I have been putting it off but I am rather bored. So, here it goes;

1. I gave up smoking in January, it was starting to get silly.

2. When I was seven, I stole something and I was proud of it. It was hair grease, my aunty had it, my cousins and I asked her to borrow it and she claimed she did not have any. We waited for her to go out, I took it out of her wardrobe and we sold it to the Fulani lady who did hair on my street. She could not ask us for it, we knew this. I got five Nairas for my efforts and I was happy.

3. I do not know how to ride a bike. It was a Sunday, Iya Sheni's Pepper stall was in the way, I tried to swerve and I ended up in the gutter, drenched and embarrassed, the boys fell about laughing, I stayed in the bath for hours and I swore off bikes.

4. I had a gay uncle, he was very effete. I did not know until I was about six that he was not like other men, he cooked with the women, went to the market and was always in the kitchen. I over heard my Alhaja and the other heads of the family telling him he either had to get married or forget he had family. I remember feeling sad for him, he left for a about six months and some other equally feminine men came to look for him, they never got far, they got shouted at by my aunts who called them all kinds of unseemly names. Still, I did not know what 'gay' meant until I moved to England aged 11, my uncle died two years ago aged 50. He had one son and the family threw a huge party for him, I remember watching the video and wondering if they were celebrating his life or the fact that he was now gone. My father said to me once, 'you know your Uncle Wahab was gay' and I ignored him.

5. I am avid reader, my room is like a mini library. I was taught to read by my youngest aunt, she was only eight years older me, so I thought she was the coolest thing ever. She used to make me read Mills & Boon books to her, I am still tryna decide if this was a good thing or not. I'd be like Aunty, what does 'hot member' mean and she'd say, 'gbenu s'oun (shut up) and finish reading' and I'd do just that.

6. I bought my first pair of Louboutins a month ago, I keep the shoe box near my bed. They remain unworn, no occasion has warranted the honour.

7. I had my first crush on a boy called 'Bassey' I thought he was the most beautiful boy ever. He had gray eyes that were always teary, he spoke to me once even though we lived on the same street.

8. I hate shopping for clothes, I like to have what I want in my mind and then walk into Topshop or H&M or Portobello and pick it up, of course it never works out like that. I get dragged around by my sister, who is a proper fashion head, and used as a mannequin . I love to shop for gadgets though, I spend an obscene amount of money on my tech things, it's a huge passion of mine.

9. I remained a virgin until twenty one. I thought I would wait until I fell in love and then I met Joel at uni, I was not in love with him but he was the only boy I have ever met who could turn me on with a touch. We had sex during 'Swordfish' we were the only ones in the theatre and he smelt so good, it was messy and a lot of fun,lol.

10. Yay, the final one. I walked in on my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend (does that make sense?) naked once, we were all staying in the same house and I walked in without knocking, I expected no one to be in. I looked at her, she looked at me and I knew, I coulda had her if I wanted to, I had known it before then but that moment confirmed it. I apologised and walked out.

*This is an extra one, - I really like watching women dance, I don't mean all winding and grinding, just cool rhythmic body movements, there is nothing more sensual.

Okay, that is it. I have honoured the tag and I tag;

*CultureCynic.
*Lowlah.
*Nice Anon.

Fuzzy transmitions.

2009-04-17T01:21:00.007+01:00

I am just bored, I just had an argument with my phone buddy, distance is a bitch, so, here I am with a jam free doughnut and a cup of cafe con leche. My phone sounds fine to me, he claimed I had fuzzy transmition, I know he is reading this so, J, I don't believe you (you need more people). I am going going to listen to Mariah Carey feat. Dru Hill - 'Beautiful Ones'. Oh, here's something to do....

*Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
*They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers.
*You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.
* Dont google your answers.
*Make it as interesting and fun as you can.

1. What is your name: L-VII

2. A four Letter Word: Lure

3. A boy's Name: Leandro

4. A girl's Name: Lolade

5. An occupation: Lumberjack

6. A color: Lavender

7. Something you'll wear: Lacy things

9. A food: Lasagna

10. Something found in the bathroom: Loofah

11. A place: Lima

12. A reason for being late: London Underground

13. Something you'd shout: Let's do it again

14. A movie title: Living in bondage

15. Something you drink: Lemon juice

16. A musical group: Little Brother

17. An animal: Lion

18. A street name: London

19. A type of car: Lexus

20. The title of a song: Lady Suite

It's now 01:46am, I am still bored, gonna watch this mind numbing Tyler Perry movie.

P.s. I tag anyone who is having a moment like this to do the above list.

L.

The sequel.

2009-04-13T17:55:00.005+01:00

This is the final part of the story that I started in my last entry, it was inspired, again, by some real events and by own curiosities. So, please read and tell me what you think.

The sequel.

She called me, three times after that night, each time my head hurt and my fingers stilled. I did not dare answer. I was back here now, where I belonged.

We had not talked about it, but I caught him looking at me on numerous occasion, concern etched on his face. I could not bring myself to tell him, how do I explain that I had become a hybrid, neither here nor there? I came home last night to find him laying on the dark wooden floor, records in hand, he had Teddy Pendergrass' 'Love TKO' playing, nothing out of the ordinary about that. He looked up at me, a knowing smile on face, 'I was just you, know going through these, are you okay?' that was his new thing, asking me if I am 'okay' since that night, I had become something fragile, he spoke softly, walked lightly, yet I am the guilty one. His demeanour made me uneasy, he was ever the attentive fiancée, holding open doors, pulling out chairs, I managed for days, then weeks to stop thinking about that night, my moment of madness, and slowly, he too relaxed.

Friday night, freshly bathed, he was sitting at the end, he looked at me, desire swimming in his eyes, I smiled and made my way to my side of the bed, snugly tucked in, I prayed for sleep and hoped he'd do the same. I felt his calloused hand on my back, he moved closer, 'I miss you, I miss us' I sighed. He moved much closer, his hands came around my waist, 'Remi, what's wrong' he did not wait for my answer, I pushed back into him, he was already hard and I made up my mind to exorcise the ghost of that night, right then. I brought his hand my chest, 'touch me' he grew bolder, his breathing heavier, his mouth on my ear and the pleasure became so familiar, why had I stopped this, stopped him? I found his roaming hands, pushed him on his back and straddled him, my night shirt went over my head and I brought his hands to my breasts as our eyes bore into each other, his hand moved across my breasts, down to my navel and I stopped him, he sighed in frustration but I was determined to control this.

'Do you want me?' I do not know where I got the courage from, he squeezed my butt as a way of saying yes, his penis oozed precum and I knew he was as excited as I had ever seen him, I grabbed him, and tugged lightly, his breathing hitched, I touched the precum and brought it to my lips, his eyes grew, I knew what he was thinking, I had never done anything like this before.

I surprised myself with the boldness with which I brought him, rock hard into my mouth, 'oh God, Remi' I was strangely delighted, I was out of my comfort zone and I felt liberated, his hand at the back of my head, holding me in place, I had no idea how much he enjoyed this, I did not want to bring him to a climax yet, I eased him slowly out of my mouth and he pulled me up, his eyes held mine again, I knew there was so much he wanted to ask but his arousal rendered him incapable of thought, I straddled him again, this time I rocked myself on his abs, I wanted him to feel just how wet I was, he attempted to hold me in place but I caught his wrist in a loose grip, my need to be in control was overwhelming but I knew he was enjoying it, if only for tonight.

I grabbed him, I felt him tremble, I had him on the precipice and it drove me wild to see him, on his back, his face contorted in pleasure, I guided him inside me, took a minute to get used to the feeling and then I began to move slowly, my hands on his chest, my feet under his thighs, he moaned softly, 'oh God' I watched him, beads of swear running on his face, He grabbed my wrist, pulled me down and then rolled us over, he was now on top of me, his face, a cross between raw pleasure and anger, he started a slow deliberate kinda stroking, his mouth on mine, my hands around his head, he picked up the pace and I realised quickly how much I had missed this, my legs were far apart, slightly off the bed, toes curled.... we came together, he let out a guttural groan as my fingers dug into his shoulders.

Still breathing heavily, I attempted to hug him, he pushed me back, 'what' I asked, he laid there, lightly coated in sweat, breathing rythmlessly, he turned to me slowly, 'tell me who else has touched you' I looked at him, unsurprised by his question and unable to muster the strength to offer a denial, my eyes fell. I felt him get up, his penis still partially erect, he grabbed a pillow and walked out of our room, naked.

Being unfaithful.

2009-04-08T13:01:00.002+01:00

I was inspired to write this little story by two bloggers in particular, I have always wanted to write it because it had been floating around in my head for a little while.. Anyway, enough of this preamble, you all read and tell me what you think. I want questions....lots of them. Alright, laters, I am going to see if i can get loosen the grip this credit crunch has on me..

Being unfaithful.

'Tell me to stop, tell me' she whispered into my ear, I wanted to oblige but I could not, I needed this more than I cared to admit and she knew.
Her mouth teased me, she nibbled lightly on my bottom lip and I felt my resolve crumble. How could I be doing this, with her! Her mouth moved to my throat and at that moment, no excuse I could think of would do, this is something else I wanted. Hands, soft and insistent coaxed me out of my cocoon, she turned me over and stretched over me, her breasts on my back, her hands in mine, 'I have wanted you for so long' she said the words so softly I was not sure she said them at all.

I accepted my fate, I was a prisoner to my passions, she let go of my fingers and I braced myself for what was to come. Her mouth, so sweet, wet kisses on my back, soft moans filled the air, I do not know if they came from me or her, she pushed her leg in between mine, 'tell me to stop now' I ignored the request as I turned myself around, she now hovered over me, hooded eyes looking at me with intensity, I reached for her. I needed her mouth on my mine again, needed to know I did not imagine the pleasure that she could bring, she kissed me, little kisses she knew drove me mad, her hand teased my breasts, she had me as taut as a bow, her mouth, I had never known pleasure like this, I had encountered it in other forms but not like this, my nipples painfully erect, she kissed me again and I wrapped my legs around her.

Wanting to be completely at one with this sweetness, her fingers made the painfully slow journey down, stopping to caress my hips, 'please' the word fell from me but I was desperate for her touch, I needed her to do something to douse the flames she ignited, she stopped to look at me, my eyes barely open, then she found me, thoroughly soaked for her, she played with my sowllen clit and I thought I would die. She took her hand way and I cried out at the loss, 'shhh' and she began another kind of descent, I knew this, her mouth has promised what she would do, I found it so hard to breathe, afraid I would die from this ~~want~~ need.

She stopped at my knees, looked up at me as parted my thighs, she smiled but I could not, I anticipated, that mouth, again, kissing her way up slowly, until, she parted me and I opened my legs wider, her tongue probing, her mouth kissing, I thought I would explode, her mouth found my clitoris, I grabbed her hair, my back arched as I thrust into her, she wanted to take her time, she brought me to the edge only to pull back, 'how do I explain this, where do I start?', those words crossed my mind as her fingers entered me, two, then three. She thrust into me slowly at first, then she increased her pace, I knew, like she did, I was close, her mouth enveloped my clit, she flicked her tongue over it and I shuddered as the spasms washed over me, my hands buried in hair.

She kept her mouth on me until my limbs went limp, shallow breaths pouring from me. My eyes still closed, she kissed me and I could taste myself on her, I could not move, my heart rate slowed to a pace I could bear. I looked at her, afraid to break the spell, 'what will you tell him' she asks, 'I don't know' I did not feel like myself, I felt exposed, parts that were dormant now hummed with pleasure newly discovered. I willed myself off her bed, she rolled onto her side to watch me dress, her head resting in her hand, 'don't feel too bad, I wanted it too' I let out a short burst of laughter, 'believe me, that is not the problem. it is what to do now I have had this, I am not a cheat, I do not do it, and now, I am covered in you, us' her eyes clouded over as I spoke, I ignored the look and went about searching for my left shoe. I said my 'goodbye' barely able to look at her.

I wanted the rest of the day to decide what to say, I roamed the city streets, looking at women, wondering if the attraction was about her or much more...... I felt nothing for all these women, their face, bodies, did not stir anything within. She has answered one question I did not know I had but she left me with so many more. I eventually made my way home and he was there, where I knew he'd be. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for causing him to worry, but he stood up pulled me to him, he sighed in relief. I hugged him back, desperately needing to chase the guilt away.

Random 10s x2

2009-04-05T23:56:00.004+01:00

Things I do.

1. I really like blueberry muffins, cut into four, as a broke student, I ate this, only, for days on end.

2. I love being kissed by someone who know how ( I am a great kisser, yes I was told and I believe it...lol, the best kiss I have had so far was from....)

3. Shoes are a nascent passion of mine but as they say, pepper no rest and papa no be senator, so the passion remains theoretical.

4. I love languages, the different lilts, tones. My favourite language, (after my own) is Spanish.

5. I love books, my room is a mini library.

6. I watch foreign films without reading the subtitles first, then I watch again and I read them.

7. I am a sucker for dimples, I prefer one to two.

8. I love wearing matching underwear (as a matter of fact, I try to match always)

9. I have a young crush on a blogger.

10. I enjoy men who possess easy masculinity, not overt, just a quiet manliness, it is, after jazz, an aphrodisiac.

Things I do not.

1. I do not like sweet things, as a child, I would swap my sweets for ákárá or any other savouries.

2. I hate people who think because I am smart, I must be sexually repressed, the two things are in no way related.

3. I hate it when people say what exactly what they think, as it comes to them. Only children should speak their mind with little thought or concern for people's feelings. I appreciate honesty, Lord knows I make it my business to be honest when asked but people confuse being tactless (at best, and being damn cruel at worst) with being 'upfront'.

4. I hate plaintain, shock horror, this caused many hungry afternoons. I do not only hate plaintain, I hate anything it touches, my mother insisted on putting the fried plaintain on my rice, so, everything became inedible to me.

5. I hate cheats. Any kinda cheating but especially in a relationship, do you ever watch a film where X is with Y but really wants to be with Z? And X proceeds to cheat with Z and breaks Y's heart and the audience is supposed to be happy because X and Z got together and found love? Well not me! I always feel bad for the person whose heart got broken. Anyways, Hollywood sucks.

6. I have an immense dislike for organised religion, I belive in God but religion irks me.

7. I hate being tongue kissed, makes me want to throw up, I really believe a kiss does not have to involve sticking a whole tongue into someone's mouth(the tongue can be used for a myriad of things, just not in my mouth)

8. I really hate that Nollywood script writers write dialogue that require several trips to the bloody dictionary. I challenge anyone to find a Nollywood film in which the word 'insinuate(ing)' is not used.

9. I am not happy that my voice is about one octave deeper than it ought to be. I have made my sisters suffer hours trying to assure me that I sound essentially feminine, I am still not sure I believe them.

10. I hate that so many Nigerians are conservative about so many things, especially where women are concerned!

Lol, it's sunday night and I am bored.....

Mo' betta blues.

2009-04-03T17:27:00.004+01:00

I am going to Jazz cafe tonight. Lemme tell you fellas out there (and ladies too because there is room in my heart for all) if you wanna get at me, I mean really, you gotta know Jazz music. That is my aphrodisiac, knowing your jazz (provided there is initial attraction) will almost get you a finger trip... Hmmn, here is one of my favourite modern Jazz tunes, it is by Terence Blanchard and Branford Marsalis, it is featured in one of my all time movies, 'Mo' Better Blues' (I recommend the film to everyone, if you liked 'Love Jones' for more than Larenz and/or Nia, though those two make a good enough reason to like a movie, I will recommend this film to you). I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

L.

When was the last time...........

2009-04-01T00:51:00.005+01:00

I asked someone that question today and he looked at me like I had just sprouted a second head. 'When was the last time you wrote or received a letter?', he paused and said 'd'you know I cannot actually remember'. While on the train, I started thinking about how we don't write anymore. I had a pen pal once, I remember how I'd check the post every friday, barely able to contain my excitement because I knew a letter would be coming for me! So I was inspired to write this poem real quick, here it goes;

I want you to write to me,

Paper, pen or pencil

No eraser

Write me

Crossed out intentions

Rewritten to hide the fact you care more than you should

‘I was thinking, no wondering, maybe we could......’..

Tell me mundane things about your day, how your boss hates you

All 6’4 inches

Ask me how or if I think of you

‘I don’t normally do this, I mean this is not my thing'

I’ll secretly cherish how much your hand gives away’

My urban Casanova

'I really wanted to make you do that thing again

Your head thrown back, my toes curled because

I know i did it.'

On these pages, you’ll hold my hand

All caution thrown to the wind

You’ll disregard stares and engage in P.D.A

Bahia does seem too far in between these lines

Here you’ll wander outside margin with little thought

No secret between us, you, me and this sheet of A4

Do write me,

Dare me to tell you how I really feel

Remind me how much I say to you

When I think you are too distracted

To remember

‘My feet might be drained but my head always

Retains enough blood’

Tell me you’re not sure about so much

But you’re willing to go with my flow

‘if that is what you want a day at a time

Is fine I suppose.

It's been a while and I am rather rusty but hey, my muse has not deserted, I am grateful for that.

I love Her (my tattoo)

2009-03-28T15:35:00.007Z

My grandmother was the first person I saw with tattoos, she had eight to be exact. I was fascinated by the marks on her right forearm. Two scorpions, a bird, her name and some other drawings. As a child, I often asked her about the markings and she'd say 'igba sisi mi ni mo ya won' (I got them as a young woman) but that answer was never satisfactory. I moved to England and I forgot about Alhaja's tattoos until I turned 19. I got the urge to get my own tattoo and I thought of her. I know now there was some defiance behind her tattoos, my father told me so. When she was getting ready to marry my grandfather, he objected to her tattoos and she was given the option to either get the offending marks drawn over (my grandfather, a devout Muslim, did not like images of animals drawn on what he perceived to be a holy temple) or forget getting married. My Alhaja chose the latter and according to my father, she told Alhaji that the markings were there when they met and he liked her, so, they'll stay. They parted ways, he went off to fight the Germans in Algeria as part of Her Majesty's army and my grandmother married another man.

They met up again in 1949, my grandmother was about board a bus at Adeniji Adele when they walked into each other. My father told me my grandfather knew she was already married then, he told her then that he'd seen so much death and destruction that he was no longer sure about God. He asked her about her tattoos, she told him she still had them. He told her he saw scorpions in the desert and he thought they were signs from her, offering him protection.
My Alhaja left her first husband at the age of 22, he had become a serial womaniser, who left home for weeks on end. They got married, Grandma and Pa, a month later, Alhaja wore a western style wedding dress that showed off her tatoos.

In the tattoo shop, I thought of getting a scorpion and I decided against it, I chose to dedicate my new tatoo to my Alhaja and all the women who raised me. So here..... (it says 'but for the love of sistahs)

T'okunbo

2009-03-26T18:45:00.011Z

I am still crunched, my project has been pushed back, I am less than happy about. I am seriously thinking about moving back home though, my plans for the year are rather skewed right now, I dunno. Home in this instance will be Lagos, where I was born. I have been in the UK for most of my life but the need to go 'home' never subsides. I am not one of those folks who emigrate and become so completely assimilated that 'home' hardly crossed their mind.

After my trip to Lagos two years ago, I realised just how vibrant Lagos is, I think it definitely has a spot for a girl like me, the only disturbing thing is how much I was reminded that 'you know you're a girl' it got a extremely annoying after a while. I will be the first to admit that I like a little drink and when that happens, I smoke. It's just something I started while I was living on campus. I a am social drinker and smoker, no big deal. Now, the former did not attract much attention, it was the latter. People thought it was okay, to tell me, a grown woman, that 'you know it's not good for a woman to smoke' to make it worse, dude who first said that to me was smoking! I told him where to stick it. One thing I try to do in life is to reserve judgement until I need to make it, it's annoying that people would reach a conclusion about me because I smoke and drink socially. That really bothered me to be honest and I was hanging out with a rather high brow crowd, I was under the foolish impression that they would perhaps be more accommodating . Anyway, the third time I heard it, I ignored it. (I must add that I did not dare drink, let alone smoke while I was in Eko, I did not want to send my grandmother to an early grave).

Oh, something else I realise is that a foreign accent gets you very far! My cousins, who all sound like 'butter kids' used me to get things, I swear I felt so damned awkward. The first time they did it, we went to Nando's I think and the service was not all that, my cousins were there arguing with the service people which was getting us nowhere then they asked me to ask for the manager, I did not understand why but I did, I took care to be polite, the woman apologised and offered us some free food! I declined, embarrased, I made us all leave. I was later informed that she only did that because I sounded foreign, which was slightly annoying. We got free tickets to some social events and got free entry to a beach (ok, that was in exchange for a cigarette, the beach was close to the Chevron Estate, I cannot remember the name.) I did not know you had to pay some sorta entrace fee to go the beach but hey, we got there and we almost the only ones and I swear it felt like heaven. It sounds kinda trite but being there on the beach, looking out at the ocean and being surrounded by my loved ones brought tears to my eyes.

I also got asked out a lot, but a lot the guys struck me as shallow oh! this older guy, I am sure he was older than my pops, also asked me out, he was the chairman of Eko Island Club (which meant nothing to me because I did not know what that was, not that it would have mattered) dude actually sent his body gaurds to come and bring me to him, I woulda been scared but for the fact that it was at my cousin's wedding and there was police everywhere. Yikes! I told him I'd be back because I did not want to be rude.

It was an obscene affair, the wedding. I am sure there were over a thousand guests, they had some comedian guy, Julius Agwu as the MC, the Governor's wife, Oba Akiolu, the Elegushi of somewhere and some top politicians were all there. I would hate to have such a wedding, it turned into some networking event. I felt sorry for the bride, I am sure people forgot it was supposed to be her day!

This has gone on for longer than I intended...

Hey Ya!

2009-03-24T16:32:00.002Z

This credit crunch thing has really done a sista in! So, I am here thinking about a line from one of the most ubiqutous songs of the the noughties, 'if nothing lasts forever, what makes me love the exception?'.... This is not a question that I have ever tried to answer to but I think the question can be broken down, there are certain types of love that will and can last forever, I do not see how anyone/thing can rid me of the fierce love I have for my family, I guess that is love we all take or granted because it is assumed and we rarely have to work at it. I take it for granted that my siblings and my parents love me, I do not work at cultivating that love, it does not require me to put my best foot forward, it is a love that is complete. I feel it from time to time when my sisters go out their way for me, then my heart skips several beats and I remember that I am loved. That love I know, will be for the duration of our forevers, when it is we meet our maker, that love will be as strong as it is now.

Now back to the song, I am going to assume that dude was talking about romantic love, the kinda love that you feel in your fingers and toes ( yes, at the risk of sounding cliched, my left hand does get momentarily paralyzed when I see certain displays of romantic love, so, sue me!) I do not know if that love lasts forever, I have never been 'in-love', I have been in strong 'like' but never a head-over-heels kinda deal, nope! What I have seen and heard allows me to believe that love is some shape shifting emotion that does not remain the same for long. The initial rush of discovering something so precious, the I want you by my side all the time or the we can't wait till the bedroom rush wears off. What is one left with? Two people who continue to grow, change ( for better or worse) so it is only right that the love does the same. I have seen people who could finish each others' sentences turn around and loathe each other and that always leaves me with questions, did this person change into some sorta ogre or did the 'love' run it course?

I am a romantic cycnic (the biggest oxymoron one can imagine), aside from the involuntary reaction my left hand suffers from, I have little time for all the mush, you know, flowers, chocolates and the like. So I feel that I am going to err on the side of those who believe that love is a transient emotion, I think one should enjoy it while it lasts and once it is finished, that is that.

When I express this view, my mother is shocked 'you are playing with loneliness' but that is a worry that does not cross my mind right now. I have seen many people suffer under the yoke of fear of being alone and like my friend says 'that one will not be my own portion o'. My plan in life is to know as many people as possible, travel different continents, I intend to open my mind and heart to the complexities of human emotions and maybe then my opinion on the matter will change but we'll see.

What do you all think?

Nostalgia

2009-03-18T02:47:00.003Z

I used to be a little African girl,
happy, confused and without a sweet tooth
Now, I am a grown Londoner, African still
but I was yanked into womanhood
by tobacco smoke
men who wanted to be freaked
and women who thought they were unique
Red light districts that prompted
'whys' and 'maybe(s)'
I grew to the sound of cries
ephemeral joy, a fodness for mechanical toys
and curiosity about non tow headed boys
Sprouted to drums of Fela

I grew to soon.

Friday Night.

2009-03-12T23:20:00.002Z

I am not a fussy chick, never have been, so when he asked me what I wanted to do last weekend, I said surprise me. I left it at that. Come Friday night, a sista was getting ready, Maxwell in the background, tried and discarded outfits on my bed, I feel pretty good, after a stressful day at work, I was looking forward to mingling with friends, anyway, my phone rings;

L- hey, you ready yet?
H - err, I can't really decide where I wanna take you, bar hang or catch a film
L - I am not fussed, I just wanna get outta this place tonight
H - okay, I'll call you back....

I hate it when he does this, maybe I am being unfair expecting so much out of him, I mean we are not together but I do love his company.... We ended up at Grafton House a cool spot in SW London, I had a good time but I there was something missing............

Ladies (and Gentlemen) suggest what the missing 'thing' could be.

L.

photo courtesy of: http://abdullahpope.blogspot.com/